I like to think I've come through the past few years with very few repercussions. However, there are times that I have noticed things about myself that I believe are scars.... well, maybe not scars, more like insecurities.
I think my hardest thing to cope with these days is my self worth. I just don't feel I have that much to offer someone else. I was in a situation where my thoughts, beliefs, and opinions were neither listened to nor cared about, and I'm just now starting to realize how much it is effecting me. To be honest, I'm not sure what I would do if I were with someone who was actually interested in my views and opinions. I've gotten rather good at switching around conversations so that they are about the other person instead of about me. I was with someone who only cared about things he was interested in, and if the conversation ever turned to me his eyes would glaze over and he would end the conversation. This was normal for me for years. I learned to accept it and move on. But when you are with someone for that long under those circumstances, it's very easy to believe that your own opinions and views aren't worth anything, and that hurts.
Unfortunately, I feel it is going to hinder me in my future. I'm afraid I will end up settling for the same kind of person, because it is what I know, and I know how to deal with it. But then I will live out the rest of my days with all these thoughts in my head, and the person I love doesn't care about any of them. That makes me sad. That makes me seriously want to just throw in the towel and be alone forever.
But how do I change? If I feel I have nothing to offer someone, then I will never find myself in the right kind of relationship. My self esteem is very skewed these days... I worry that if I gain a few pounds, or get some grey hairs or wrinkles that I won't be able to attract anyone. My subconscious is telling me that those things won't matter when the right person comes along.... but what if the right person comes and I'm having a bad hair day. Then what? ...surely I won't win them over with my sparkling personality... If there's no attraction, then why would they care what was in my head?
I know I'm being silly, but there is some truth behind my silliness... When you are with someone that makes you feel this low, it's hard to break out of that mold you've been stuck in. It's very hard to believe that you have more to offer someone than just what you look like on the outside.
I usually have enough logic to calm down my over-active imagination when it comes to stuff like that, but that still doesn't keep my insecurites and 'crazies' from surfacing every now and then.
When it comes down to it, I pray for, and believe, that God will lead me to the right person in the right time.
And when He does, I pray that I will be able to express my thoughts and opinions without feeling unworthy of expressing it.
But most of all, I pray that I will one day know what it means to truely be loved, and to feel like I deserve that love... but for now, that's still a tough one for me to grasp.