Thursday, April 18, 2013

Dear Diary,

My oldest son keeps asking me if this is my diary. I told him "sort of".

I like that this is somewhere people can come on their own free will to see what I'm saying. It's not like Facebook where I'm shouting things out to all my friends. This is more personal to me. Places like Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest are places I can put impersonal things. Funny things. This place right here is where I work though the jumbled mess in my head.

Granted, most of the things I've writen on here have been deleted. I would write them out, organized my head a little more, publish them for a bit untill I realized they probably don't need to be read by others, and then I would delete them. Which is for the best in most cases. But even if they were deleted, everything I've written has helped me in some way or another. Even if it was just a thought that I needed to get out of my head. Sometimes it's like the words get trapped inside my head till I get them out somehow, and then once I get them out I'm better. That fleeting moment of bitterness or sorrow is gone, and I can move past it. When I think back on the things I wrote about around the beginning of February, I wonder how I even felt that way. My emotional and mental state is constantly changing and evolving into a fully healed person, and I'm so thankful for that.

I think the biggest difference I can see in myself over the past couple of months is my ability to forgive. Being able to get out all of my frustrations and anger has helped me truely forgive him for what he did to me, and I wish him nothing but the best. Mostly because he is still a major role model for our boys. I pray each night for him to become a better role model for them, and to live his life better because their little eyes are watching him. I hope he gets married and is happy and makes something better for himself.

My whole attitude has changed when it comes to what I write on here. No matter what happens to me, my thoughts and actions and words are a constant reflection of my character. Just because I'm feeling negative one day, that doesn't mean I need to get on here and vent about what happened. I pray to be sober minded, even in the face of adversity. Even when I have to deal with unpleasantries that are sadly now part of my regular routine. But mostly I pray that when I do have to deal with those unpleasantries, that I can do it with grace and dignity, and keep my thoughts on here just about the jumbled mess in my head and not about the unpleasant things I still have to deal with. And maybe it will be something that when my boys get older they can look back on and really understand what is so confusing to them right now.

Unless I delete all of it, which is entirely possible.

Just kidding.... sort of.

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