Monday, July 14, 2014

It's complicated

There was no way for David and I to prepare ourselves for how complicated it would be to combine our families. We thought about my boys, we thought about his boys, and in theory we just thought we'd all live under this one roof. But there's more to it than that. There was no way to foresee how we would all mesh.

The older ones are actually taking to the little ones quite well. They each have their boy that they can relate to, and I think that's great. But I have found that there are a few cracks in my plan...

I've found that my biggest struggle is being too timid. I have a very large and unexplainable fear of making people mad. I wish I could figure out where that fear comes from. I know I had it before the divorce... I really think I had it before my first marriage. But the longer I'm around people the more comfortable I get with them. I'm hoping that happens soon. If not, I fear that I'll end up being a maid to all these boys because I can't tell them to pick up their socks.

That. Cannot. Happen.

These older boys need to be taught how to pick up after themselves. They need to learn responsibility. They need to learn that the sink is not a trash can... what's up with that anyway?

I might not be working right now, but I still have a very important job. I'm a mother, a step-mother, a wife - a minister's wife at that, I'm a nurturer, and I'm a roll-model. I have all these guys looking to me for guidance and answers, so I have to step it up. Big time.

The long wait David and I had till we could get married was tough... I almost viewed the wedding as an end. And end to loneliness, an end to my life in Arkansas, and end to being a single parent, and and end to life as I knew it. But really it was just a beginning. A beginning that was hard to see. It's always great to think about 'happily ever after', but it's so hard to see all the work that goes into that fairytale... It's hard to see what your daily life is going to be like. And no matter what, it's never like you imagine it will be.

I imagined my life with the older boys mixing with my younger boys. I could see us all in the house together. But I couldn't see all the details. I couldn't see how the older boys would help me get supper ready, and all the crazy concoctions they'd come up with. I couldn't see the basketball games in the backyard with all the boys playing against each other, and the older boys being illegal screnes so their little teammate could make the shot. I couldn't see the grocery shopping trips where I'm being educated on what all they usually eat, and trying to mix those things with our 'usuals'. I couldn't see the endless supply of gas and burps.... yes, I'm the only female in a house full of males, they got comfortable with me real quick. And I couldn't see how much my boys would look up to the older boys. That makes me happy... even if it is them trying to burp the ABC's like the older guys do.(yay.)

No, not everything is perfect. We have our good days, and we have our bad days. But every night David and I pray together. We pray to thank God for our wonderful little family, and for guidance for each of us. That is our glue. We are a three fold cord, and it doesn't matter how tough things get, he and I will always have the Lord. And that will make everything better. What a wonderful little marriage this is turning out to be.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

...three weeks later

Wow, has it really been almost three weeks since the wedding???

I can't believe it. The time has flown by so fast!

First of all, the wedding was wonderful! Here are a few pictures from our very special day:

That day will live in my memory as the best day of my life. You know why? ...besides the obvious reason that I married the love of my life... It was because he cried when I walked down the aisle. That's right. I've never had someone cry because of me. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. I've watched wedding shows all my life. Some grooms cry, some don't. I have always wondered what it would be like to have someone love me so much that it brought tears to their eyes. It was the best feeling in the world.

There were many tears shed that day. Some sad tears because I was moving, but mostly happy tears. The wedding guests knew what David and I had been through to get to this point, and the love and support from them all was overwhelming. I can't describe it.

It was such a beautiful day.

After the wedding came the honeymoon. We stayed in a cabin in northern Arkansas for four days. It was a wonderful getaway after the whirlwind month we'd had. It was also nice to rest up because as soon as we got back, the move was going to start!

And start it did! We got the truck the day we got back into town and immediately went to work.

After a long two day drive to San Antonio we finally arrived and began unpacking. Unloading a house full of stuff into an already full house was tough. This was probably the most stressful day. No one knew where to put anything, and so it was all just brought in and stacked. My job: Make sense of the mess.

But after two weeks of working non-stop things are finally starting to settle down. All the kids are hanging in there with me through all the changes, and all the many different places I move things. All of them know if they can't find something to just ask me and I'll know where it is. As you can see things are starting to come together, and soon this home - that is already bursting with love - will be functioning like a well oiled machine.

And as far as David and I are concerned....

We're still seeing fireworks.

Much love to you all! I'll keep writing when I can!

Friday, June 20, 2014

I'm not a bride

It's the night before my wedding, and I have so many things on my mind.

All week I've been called the bride. I don't really like that. I've already been a 'bride'. I've had the big dress, and the fancy wedding. I did all that, and it failed anyway.

I'm not a bride this time. All I'm doing tomorrow is saying 'I do' to my best friend. It's not about the wedding. It's not about what I'm wearing, or the size of the ring. It's not about the perfect song or the perfectly tiered cake. It's not about making sure your bridesmaids match your groomsmen, and it's not about unity candles or aisle runners.

It's not going to matter if I spill something on my dress. It won't matter if I wake up with a zit on my face. I can sneeze all day because of allergies (and I seriously may), but it won't matter. The boys may cut up or burp as they walk me down the aisle, and it's not going to ruin anything.

It's going to be a day just like every other day. It will begin and end the same way. There won't be any more hours added to it, nor will time stand still. It will pass just like today did.

Only after tomorrow I get to be the wife to the most amazing man I've ever known. Tomorrow is important, but the day after tomorrow is what it's all about. I'm not a bride. I'm a wife-to-be. That's it.

And it's the most wonderful feeling in the world.

Yes, I'm getting married tomorrow.

But more importantly... I'll be his wife the day after tomorrow... and all the days after that.

Till death do us part.

Thank you, Lord, for this wonderful man.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Warning: Quick to tears!!

Ok, so I'm walking through an antique store yesterday looking for mismatched cake pedestals for the wedding, and before I know it I'm crying.

Because of the antiques, you say?


Because it dawned on me that in two weeks I'll be standing at the front of my lovely church saying 'I do' to my best friend.

Darn, there I go again...

Ok, I'm better...

I can't believe it's two weeks away. Three months ago the days and weeks were crawling, and I was miserable just waiting and waiting.... and now it's like life is on fast forward! I'm actually wanting time to slow down just a little so I can breathe and enjoy everything.

My best friend. Wow. He really is.

I find myself looking at other couples, and wondering why it is that some meet their best friend when they are very young, and some when they are not so young. Everyone's life turns out different. I may not get as many years with my best friend as some will get with theirs, but the love we will put into those years will be enough for an entire lifetime. I've already been loved more in the past six months than I have all of my other years combined.

Before this year, the term 'happy tears' was just something I'd heard of but didn't really understand. These days, I get it.


...and they happen quite often. Just be forewarned.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Answered prayers

We are officially less than three weeks till the "Big Day", and I'm so ready! It makes me think about prayer I prayed many times a year ago. That prayer was to not be alone forever. Even though, at the time, I felt the Lord wanted me to be single for a while. I just didn't know how long that would be. I knew I didn't need to rush into anything too fast. I needed to be there for my boys, spend quality time with them, and make sure they were healing from the trauma of the divorce, and put my needs on the back burner for a while.

I'd made up my mind that I needed to forget about finding someone, and just be content with where I was in life. I was in a good place.... I was feeling incomplete.... but I was content. During the day I'd be fine. My evenings were great. I'd spend time with my boys, or get some much needed work done around the house. But then night would come. Nights were too quiet. Too lonely. So I'd pray. I didn't know who I was praying for the Lord to send me, but I would pray for someone.

I like to think about the things going on in our lives as roads. There are little roads, big roads, highways, and even little dirt roads. When all these roads lead to one thing, it's easy to see that it is the Lord guiding you. I was guided by the Lord. There was no other way for me to go, and the Lord's way is always the best way. When the Lord provides an answer to your prayer, it's obvious. The timeline for David and me was right on the mark. The Lord guided us to each other at the perfect time for each of us.

It brings tears to my eyes when I think about my life finally going the way the Lord wants it to go instead of the way I wanted it to go. I'm so thankful all my plans failed. The Lord led me to someone who understands me, and loves me without question. The Lord knows what we need more than we do. Trust the Lord, and pray for things that are in your heart. The Lord will answer the prayer with what is best for you.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

The Lord provides

Honestly, I can't count how many blog posts I could write with this title. The Lord has been so good to David and me. From Him guiding us away from the paths we were on and towards each other, to His mercies in helping us through every difficulty along the way. It's truly amazing.

My house went on the market back in February. At the time I worried about it selling too soon, and having to find somewhere for the boys and I to live till the wedding. Then after a couple of months with no lookers I started to worry about it not selling for a long time and we'd have to keep paying the mortgage and finding lawn care, etc. Or worse, we'd have to rent it out. It seemed no matter what, we were in for some kind of hassle.

In my perfect dream scenario, I would accept an offer in May so I could close in June. The odds of this were slim to none, especially since only a couple of people had actually come to see it. When I would pray about the house, I would just pray for it to sell at the right time and leave the timing up to God. I knew that would be my best option, and thankfully I started to worry about it less and less.

A couple of weeks ago I got a call that someone wanted to see the house. I felt different about it this time, and I didn't know why. But I decided I'd better do all I could to make the house look it's best. Not that I hadn't cleaned it for the other viewings, but I went above and beyond this time. I don't really know if I actually had a good feeling about these people, or if I was just thinking "This is it! I need these people to put in an offer in order to close before the wedding"!

The people came, they saw, they stayed a half hour past when they were supposed to... and that really got my hopes up! They called my realtor and asked more questions, and I really just knew that this was it. Well, two weeks past and no offer was given.

I continued to pray.

Then last weekend I got the call. They put in an offer, and after a couple of counter offers the house was sold! My closing date is the Monday after we get back from our honeymoon. As David was telling me this weekend: "I don't know why we worry about things, the Lord is taking care of us and providing for us."

I couldn't agree more. Everything is falling into place.

I've never doubted our plans to get married and move the boys and me to Texas, but it's nice to have signs that let us know this IS right. We not only have signs that tell us that this is the Lord's will, we have runway lights pointing us in the right direction. There is a little guy with bright flashing cones pointing us to marriage. That's something I definitely DIDN'T have the first time I got married. I remember wondering many, many times if I was doing the right thing. But even though I married him, the Lord blessed me with two sweet boys, and taught me about Him, His mercies, and how to trust in Him. I'm thankful for those lessons.... and for my boys.

I understand it now. I know what life is all about. Life isn't about education, jobs, family, or having fun. Life is about serving our God who created us. If you serve God first in your life, the rest will fall into place. When you put the other things first, you are not standing on a solid foundation and are likely to fall.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

The lasts

It doesn't seem possible, but the boys and I have actually gotten to the time when we're starting to have our 'lasts'.

This past weekend was our last time to go to one of the churches in this area.

Tomorrow will be my last day at work.

I was even sad to have gone to my health food store for the last time. I go every two months, so I won't be going again. The next time I buy Ezekiel bread will be in Texas. It's surreal.

Every time I have a 'last' I get closer to where I want to be.

Before I know it, we'll be walking out of this house for the last time. Even though it seems like it's taken forever to get here, it really has happened very fast. But in a good way. I wouldn't have wanted it any different. In fact, if it hadn't been for our kids we would've gotten married months ago.

But the Lord knows what is best, and His timing is always right on the mark.

Every 'last' we have is a little bit of closure for this phase of our lives.

And every 'last' we have here will be replaced by all the 'firsts' we're going to have there.

Now that's exciting.