Naive

I just counted four blog entries that I've started and never finished. Everytime I have an idea it always turns into something negative. So I stop writing and think on it for a day or two. So far I still haven't been able to turn any of them around into something positive. So they are just sitting there staring at me.

I admit, they aren't all totally negative. I think they have some good points. I'm just trying to write about everything I'm learning these day. I feel like a sponge soaking up every drop of life I can. A lot of it is wonderful, but there is a lot that is bad too. I'm learning so much about the world and the different kinds of people in it. I'm starting to become a better judge of character, but it's definately taken getting burned a few times to figure it out. I will forever be the kind of person that has to learn something first hand. I can be told over and over multiple times that there are bad people in the world, but until I'm out there meeting them and seeing it with my own eyes, I'll never be able to truly understand.

I think that stems from being the youngest child. I always had to learn lessons through my brother and sister. If they tried something and failed or didn't like it, then it was assumed that I would do the same. It would make me so mad, I never got to try anything for myself. I think my stubbornness came out at an early age because of this.

It seems the longer I live the more I realize how naive I am. You could say I was raised in a protective bubble. I was sheltered from the world, and I'm glad I was. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. But when you're protected inside your own little bubble, you don't know you're naïve. You live your life thinking everyone else around you is doing the exact same thing you're doing... Which would be living their life, trying to be the best person they can be....

Wrong.

My bubble has officially burst.

I'm learning there are people in the world that are definatey not trying to do better, and to be better. Finding a person with morals and values these days is like finding a needle in a haystack.

Lately, the world breaks my heart every single day, in one way or another. They say you learn something new everyday. I know I do, but unfortunately I learn something bad everyday. Something that disappoints me. Something that shocks me. Something that makes me lose faith in humanity.

I wish I could go back to being in my bubble.. but I can't. It's too late.

I think what breaks my heart the most is knowing kids today aren't being raised in bubbles. They are being thrown out into the world with the goal of teaching them how to deal with it. Kids don't need to know how the world really works. They have plenty of time to learn that when they get older.

Let them be kids.

It just seems no matter how much I try to shelter my boys, they are still exposed to horrible things everyday. I wish I could just keep them at home, away from the rest of the world...

...in a bubble.

I pray that their little eyes don't see all the the things that my eyes see. I pray they stay naive, and maybe I can keep them in somewhat of a bubble as long as possible.

Walks with my Dad

My poor Dad.

I know I've given him more grey hairs in the past year than in all my other years combined.

I know that the more I talk to him about my life, the more he stays up at night worrying about me.

I used to be very closed off about my life, especially growing up, but these days I'm an open book with large print. When everything started going wrong, I tried to keep everything hidden until the problem went away. I had this terrible secret in my life that I didn't want anyone to know about. I felt if I kept it to myself, then when the problem was fixed there wouldn't be any ill feelings toward my husband, and we could carry on with life as usual.

Well, once I realized the problem couldn't be fixed - and was only getting worse - I started opening up to my family. Since then, I've been able to open up and talk to my parents about everything. It's kind of strange. Like I'm back to being a single teenager, but I'm able to tell them about everything that's going on in my life. Kind of like an out-of-body experience. Very surreal.

Last year my Dad and I started taking walks in the mornings whenever the boys and I would go visit them. Usually it's still dark outside when we go. Our main purpose for walking was for exercise, but we also got a lot of life's problems worked out on these walks as well. We've discussed so many topics on these walks. Each time I would visit there would be a new issue to hash out. We've used these walks to work out everything from the custody of my kids, to buying my new house, to scriptures in the Bible. It's a time for just he and I to discuss things.

It was on a walk that I had to explain to him why I didn't want to keep my old house that he felt I was entitled to. It was on a walk where he felt he should give me the do's and don'ts of dating... again. It was on a walk that I broke down in tears because I knew everything had happened because of something I had done.... and it was on another walk that I, thankfully, started to believe that maybe it had nothing to do with me at all.

It's amazing how clear your mind can be very early in the morning. Watching the sunrise and talking about God makes problems easily solved. It makes it so you can solve the problem the way it's supposed to be, instead of it being clouded by the judgements of the world. Most walks ended in laughter, some ended in tears. But either way, a problem was solved and a new day was starting.

The best part is what I've learn from him through these walks... and that is how I should walk. In my life.

These are priceless lessons that can never be taken away from me.

It's a good day.

On this very Friday, I am totally convinced that I am in such a better place than a year ago, and that I haven't let what happened to me define who I am.

On this very Friday, I realized that I went through the one year anniversary of my divorce date, which was Wednesday the 8th, without even thinking about it for a single second. I wrote that date on many pieces of paper that day, and it never dawned on me what day it was.

To me, that is a beautiful thing.

My life is not going to be defined by bad things that happen. My life will be defined by the wonderful things instead. I am too blessed to dwell on the storms of life.

I am counting today as a 'mental victory' for myself.

Score:

Leslye - 1
Leslye's Subconscious trying to get the better of her - 0


It's a good day.

I might as well get used to it

This week while I was mowing my backyard, I had one neighbor sneak in and mow the front yard, and then another neighbor came over and totally weed-eated the entire front and back yard.

All in the time it took me just to do the backyard.

*sigh*

Looks like my oven will be working overtime this summer baking goodies for my neighbors.

I have to admit, it was really nice to have the help.

I'm "Un-cool"

when I was growing up, the word we used for someone who was popular was 'cool'. I still use that word to this day for lots of things... except myself.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not cool at all. And I'm ok with that.

Being popular was never my thing anyway. Especially now. I don't listen to the popular music, I don't read the popular books or watch the popular tv shows and movies. My ideas of entertainment have changed a lot. They're still not all great, but they're better than they were. I just can't take all the negativity that is being fed to us everyday through the media and entertainment.

I can also guarantee I'm not the most popular Mom. For one thing, I'm not here to be my boys' 'Friend'. I'm here to be their parent, and to teach them how to live their lives. I don't let them play endless hours of video games, or say words that other kids are allowed to say. I take them to church and make them play outside in the fresh air and eat their vegetables. I know there are a lot of times they don't like it. But I've learned to deal with that. Kids aren't supposed to know what's best for themselves. They need parents, not friends.

The longer I'm out in the world, the more I realize who I should try to impress and who I shouldn't. The only opinions I care about these days are those of my famly, and my church family. If I'm living my life in a way that they have only good things to say about me, then I'm doing something right.

I still have times that I try to pretend I'm cool... I don't know why. My perspective gets a wrench thrown in it, and I forget who I am. Either I'm trying to impress the wrong person, or wanting to fit in with a group I have no business being a part of. But it all comes down to wanting acceptance by the world, and that's not something I need to worry about.

Lately I've been working on being strong within myself. Standing up for my beliefs. Saying 'no' to things I shouldn't do or say, and having the courage to do the right things. It's tough to do... but it used to be down right impossible for me. So for it to be a little easier now makes me feel like I've made some progress. I still have a ways to go, though. And I'm learning more about how to do that everyday.

Sometimes I feel like I've been in a bubble for over a year. It's like the Lord protected me from all these other problems in the world while He helped me through all the changes I was going through. Now, a year later, I'm slowly being re-exposed to all of the other outside problems in the world, and I'm being re-programmed on how to deal with them. I like this re-programming. I like myself more when I handle a situation the way I'm supposed to instead of the 'cool' way.

Striving to be popular in the world will only bring about more heartache, and disappointment.

I know. I've tried.

I'm glad my priorities are starting to get straightened out.

*Must be strong

When I think of my life and the kind of person that would fit in well with me, the first thing I know they would have to be is strong.

Not physically... but mentally and emotionally.

Not because I'm hard to live with, but because of everything they would have to deal with because of my situation. It's not just me they would be getting. I come with two great boys, we're a package deal. I would hope that gaining two step-sons would be a blessing to whomever I am with. They are blessings to me, not 'baggage' as some might say.

He must be strong enough to be an active and envolved step-dad of two boys that aren't his biolocially. He must be strong enough to know that there was someone who came before him. The boys still have their dad, and whoever I'm with must understand that. Dealing with that situation, alone, will require more strength than I can muster up sometimes. He would need to be a major roll model in the boys' lives, be the religious leader of our household, and discipline to an extent. I understand that I will still be the major disciplinarian - at least in the beginning - but I don't want whoever I'm with to feel they can't take charge when needed.

He would have to be strong enough in himself to know that my family already had a son-in-law and brother-in-law, and that my neice and nephews already had an uncle. Not that they want him back... but it's still not like a first marriage.

He must also be strong enough to introduce my boys as one of his own... with a different last name.

Yep... that's the tough one.

I'm not even sure how I'm going to be strong enough to do that. And then if he has kids, I would have kids with different last names. Then suddenly *POOF* we're a blended family. That's something I never thought I'd ever be a part of. But if that's my destiny, then I will embrace it and love it no matter how much I swore I'd never be a part of something like it.

But thankfully, the Lord provides strength. During my darkest days and hours that I thought I'd never be able to go on, the Lord gave me the strength to get out of bed every day, and carry on... and I even managed to keep my head held high most of the time. I was usually flabbergasted by the strength I had most days. I still am. I still have days that I am so ashamed of what my life has turned into, but even still the Lord helps me through those days. I am so thankful, and I know that whatever lies in my future He will provide strength in every change that occurs.

Leave to thy God to order and provide,
In every change He faithful will remain.

My favorite line... always.

Home Sweet Home

It might sound trivial for something like a house to bring me such peace and happiness, but I have to admit, I just love my house so much.

This time last year I was hoping and wishing and praying for my old house to sell, and to be able to move. Now, a year later, I believe everything happened at the perfect time for all of us. Even though I was ready to be out of that house, and to be away from all the memories and nightmares, I don't think my boys were. I knew the move was coming sooner or later, so I was prepared. But for the boys, I think they needed the extra time to let everything sink in. I think when it finally happened they had heard me talk about it enough that they 'got it'.

My youngest boy loves our new house. I know he remembers the old house, for sure, but his little mind doesn't think back on it as much as my older boy. My oldest still has a lot of pent up feelings about the move. He misses the old house, but I think what he misses is how we were a family in the old house. He's associating that house with me and their dad being together. He's very stubborn when it comes to admitting things, but I can tell just by watching him how much happier he is now. He's still getting used to the ugly carpet, and the pink tub, but he know's we're home, and I like that.

This new house of ours isn't perfect by any means. But it fits us, and we fit in it. The house was built back in the 1970's, and has a lot of work that needs done. But I'm ok with that. The projects around the house are things that keep me sane. I've always wanted to buy an older home and fix it up, so this is a dream for me.

The boys are so much happier here too - whether the older one wants to admit it or not. At our old house they didn't have any other kids to play with, they couldn't go in the road at all, and taking a walk around the neighborhood didn't exsist. We lived on a dead end road off of a highway. Our new neighborhood is so great! There are kids everywhere, we can walk around blocks, and I don't have to worry about them going in the street. In fact, sometimes I feel like an old tv show when I have to go outside and call the kids home for supper.

I have everything I've ever wanted in a house. I have a covered front and back porch, a window above my kitchen sink to watch kids playing in the backyard, a huge window in the living room to put my Christmas tree in front of, and even a 4th whole bedroom just for me and my sewing and craft stuff. Now that spring is here, I have flowers blooming in every corner of my yard, and I have vegetables growing up a storm out back. It is truely my dream home.

All these 'things' about my new house are nice, but I think what I needed the most was a change of scenery. Somewhere that I don't have to think about the way things used to be everytime I turn a corner. The good memories were ok, it was the bad ones that haunted me. There were very few good memories made when we moved back into the house after the fire, so I really never got to enjoy living in a brand new house. It was tainted from the day we moved back in. My new home has no bad memories, and there are only good memories to come the longer we are there.

I'm so thankful it all worked out the way it was supposed to instead of when I wanted it to. That's my impatience getting the better of me again. I should always remember that the Lord's timing is always best... I think I need that embroidered on a pillow, or tattooed on my hand or something... or I'll just tie a string around my finger to help me remember that everytime I get impatient.