Tuesday, March 31, 2015

My favorite times

One of my favorite, most precious times is when David and I have long talks about how much the Lord has blessed us.  

Inevitably about once every week or so we will sit and talk, or go for a walk , and we'll get caught up in a long conversation about what we've both been through, how the Lord brought us together and the wonderful life we've been given.  We love to talk about our story, it's our favorite subject.  What a wonderful thing it is to be married to someone who is just as thankful that we have each other as I am. We never take for granted the second chance we've been given, and I pray we never do.  We give all the praise and glory to God.  

These are my thoughts this morning.  I have a couple of posts in the works about blending our families, so hopefully I'll finish them up soon.  
Till next time...
LLM

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Riding in cars with boys

Sometimes I sit in awe, and wonder if this life I'm living is really happening.  

My life.  This is really my life.  

I'm sitting in our light blue SUV riding to church.  It's a little over an hours drive.  My older step sons are in the drivers and shotgun seats.  They are Godly men who, despite natural tendencies to falter, try to do the right thing according to the Lord.  However, right now the one is driving a little faster than I'm comfortable with on this two lane highway, but I trust that he knows the precious cargo he's toting.  

Beside me in the middle row of seats is my husband.  He's got his bible out making sure he has all his thoughts together for his sermon this morning.  I like to watch him look out the window and silently peach to the passing trees.  By his smile, I think they are getting it.  

And finally, in the row behind us are my two little boys.  I've never been more proud of those two little guys than I have been this year.  The way they've adjusted to all the changes completely amazes me.  However, the longer we are here, the more I'm starting to see areas that need attention when it comes to them, but I'm learning to adjust my time to suit their needs and everything is getting better.  

I never expected everything to be perfect, nor did I expect it to go this well.  The Lord is blessing us , and also helping us to see the areas that need improvement. Especially on my part.  The more settled we get, the higher our comfort level gets with one another.  It's a good thing and a not so good thing.  It's good that we are all more comfortable with telling one another the hard things that need said, but it also makes us freer with our words in a way that can cause friction.  Thankfully we all have the common goal of keeping peace in our home, so no conflict ever last more than a little while. Communication is key in this house.  Sometimes we may talk things to death, but it's better than the alternative.  

These are precious times right now, but they won't last.  In the next few years the older guys will be moving out and starting their lives, and then it will just be the four of us.  So for now I will enjoy things like riding to church.  It's the little things like that where our most precious memories are made.    



Friday, January 23, 2015

Street smart

There are a couple of slang terms many use as a description for people's personality.

Book smart and street smart.

Book smart is for people who are knowledgeable in things that can be read in books, and street smart is for people who are knowledgeable in the ways of the streets - aka the world. That doesn't mean they are worldly, sinful people, they've just been out there and know how the world works.

This is not to say people can't be both, it's entirely possible.

However today I'm talking about me.

It's my blog, I can do that.

I fully admit that I am the least book smart person I know. I struggled my way through school, and finally graduated with an art degree after six years of college. Academics are not my thing to say the least. I've always considered myself to be more street smart than book smart. I can read a chapter of the bible and not be able to tell you much about it, but if you have a problem and come to me for help, I will soak up as much information about that situation as I can. My knowledge of the streets has quadrupled over the past few years. I've seen how bad the world can be, and I know what mistakes I made, and that others have made, and I learn from them. When I talk to people who are going through what I've been through, I see what works for them and what doesn't and I learn from that experience on top of what I learned from my own experiences. I try to learn something each and every time I talk to someone in order to be a better help to the next person.

In my house there are three twenty-something guys, and these guys have twenty-something friends that come over. This is a foreign thing for me being the mom of two little boys, but I like that we are the gathering house for them and their friends. Some of these guys and gals don't have a very good place to call home, or a family that is a positive influence. A lot of times, our house is the only positive family unit some of these kids ever see. And we don't make exceptions when they are here either, if you have supper with us, you pray with is. If you come into our house, you leave your evil habits or language at the door.

House rules.

No exceptions.

And our boys will be the first to tell you the rules.

On top of hanging out here, these kids come to David and me for advice on their lives. David is one of those brilliant men who are both book smart and street smart. Between the two of us, we can tell it to these kids straight and give them real advice on life in a positive way. We can tell them what works from our own experiences, and tell them what they are doing wrong because we've been in most situations - maybe not every situation, but if we didn't go through something, then we probably know someone who has - We can use the knowledge from others to help when we haven't been there ourselves. We tell them about our own personal hells, and the mistakes we made that caused them, and we tell them how we are different now and why things are better and how the Lord is blessing us because of it.

We don't preach to them with book smarts, we talk to them with street smarts.

It's awesome when you can actually get through the thick skull of a twenty-something and help them understand that you've been there.

I can call them that... it hasn't been that long since I was a stubborn, thick-skulled twenty-something. I know just how horrible your twenties are, and just how stupid they can make you.

As always, the things I write on here are things that I pray about, and I will continue to pray that David and I can be good influences in these kids' lives, and give them good advice that will lead them on a Godly path.

LLM

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Peace in south Texas

I can't remember the last time I went more than a few weeks without posting.  It seems like I could never go more than a week or so without some topic working itself out in my head. 

But here I am, more than a month later, and I have no thoughts.  No issues plaguing my mind.  Nothing.  Nada.  

Recently someone asked my sister how I was doing.  Her response, while truthful, made me think.  She said " I don't know, I never hear from her now that she's happy."  

Wow. 

While on one hand it made me realize I need to call my sister more. 

On another hand... she's right. 

For the first time I can remember I have no problems, no issues, no unsettling feelings.   

I have peace and joy and pure happiness.  

No, life is not perfect.  We still have car troubles, a tight budget and even unruly young men who can't pick up their dirty socks in the living room.  But those things are just life.  

I have a happy home that is full of love and laughter.  I'm married to my best friend, and our boys all get along and are thriving. 

I have only the Lord to thank for where I am right now, and only He knows what things will look like in the future. So for now, I will enjoy this time of happiness and peace

I wish you all a merry Christmas!  

Monday, October 20, 2014

Home.

The longer I live here in my new life, the more it starts to feel like a life I used to have a long time ago. David and I have been married four months now. At first it was all new and changes were around every corner. Nothing was familiar, and I was constantly at unrest.

But it seems with every month that passes, the more settled I get. I know the roads, I know the grocery store, I know how to be myself in a house of 6. I can sit on the couch and relax without feeling weird or uncomfortable... that's a big step for me.

Sitting in church yesterday I started having flashbacks of a different time in my life. A life that was wonderful. Having supper together around the dinner table, praying together before meals, going to church as a family. It was a wonderful childhood that I have no complaints with. Everything was simple. Everything was easy. No complications, no drama. It was my own version of 'Pleasantville' where nothing ever went wrong.

Then I grew up.

It's very weird now. I look back on my twenties and early thirties and I wonder who I was. I was so lost, even though I thought I knew where I was the whole time. I was out in the world denying the way I was raised. My home wasn't being ran the way I was taught. I wasn't conducting myself the way I knew I should be... I ignored the things in the deep, dark corners of my mind that meant the most in this life.

These days, I'm starting to see glimmers from my past in my present life. David and I have a family together. We eat together, pray before meals, attend church together, among other countless things. We try to teach our boys why this life is better than any other life. Unlike how David and I grew up, our boys have witnessed first hand what the other side of the fence looks like. They have seen the effects of selfishness, painful words and heartache. They don't have the rose-colored glasses we had at their age.

I pray they won't forget how they were raised when it comes time to start their own lives.

I pray they stay close to the church in everything they do.

It's the only way to live in this world.

It's home.

I'm home.

My life has somehow come full circle. I've come back to my roots. The Lord watched over me while I denied Him, and despite my stupidity, He showed me the way back home.

Thankful doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.


I'm home.


Friday, October 3, 2014

Ghosts

A while back my husband wrote an article on Facebook about ghosts.

Not the smokey looking figurines that haunt old stomping grounds, but memories and tragedies from our past.

During the time he wrote it, we were both fighting off old memories from our previous marriages. Since then we have learned - and are still learning - what buttons trigger the bad memories. We've had to learn how to talk to each other, how to treat each other, even how to work through our differences the right way in order to avoid those old ghosts. And even still, without even knowing, a ghost will come back in the blink of an eye. The wrong word will be said, or something will go amiss and *BOO* Ghostville.

Now, I'm about to get real with you.... Not everything I say next will be all unicorns and butterflies. David and I had to go through hell. So please bear with me as I try to share what I'm going through and the lessons I'm learning....

David and I divorced for the same reason, however our situations were quite different. I won't go into everything he had to endure or the ghosts that he is having to fight off, because it's not my place to put that out on the internet. But speaking for myself, I had to deal with the cheating - and the speculation of cheating - for almost two years. Two. Long. Years.

During those two years I developed habits... habits that became part of my daily/hourly/minutely routine. It was my every thought during the day....

I checked up on him.

I checked his phone.

And I questioned his every motive.

These habits are my ghosts. I hate them. I hate them so much.

Here I am in the best relationship imaginable, and I have the nerve to check up on him. Why??? Because I don't trust him? Nope. The trust is there. It's just because it became my habit. It's ingrained in me to do this... and I have to change.

I can't act this way, and expect everything be ok. I have to be able to not worry every time he leaves my sight. I have to be able to see him texting on his phone, and know that everything is ok. Because it is. I have nothing to worry about, and I know this. I have faith in our marriage and in the Lord. David and I both had the same thing happen to us, so for him to cheat on me is imaginable.

I'm doing good in most areas of my healing, but there is one thing that is very hard for me to forget. I made my mind up a long time ago that texting and messaging on phones is the work of the devil. Even though I do it, that it's probably 90% of my communication these days. I still hate it. There is nothing more secretive than a text. And to me, there is nothing more ghost-provoking than seeing David texting someone. Even if I know who he's talking to, my subconscious will plant a seed in my head that will eat away at me.

Maybe it's not who I think it is.

Maybe he's using that person to talk to someone else.

Maybe he's not who I think he is at all!

This isn't David's problem, it's mine. I have to learn how to deal with this. I'm praying, and talking to David as much as I can. This is one of the many reasons I knew I had to marry someone who's 'been there'. Any average Joe off the street, or in the church, who has never been in our shoes would not understand the ghosts that haunt us.

I know my writing about things like this, and putting my life out out there is a little odd for some to understand. But I know of a few readers that are currently going through similar situations. There are people out there in different stages of their healing process that could be wondering what marriage is like after losing someone to an affair. I'm here to let them know that life goes on, and it can be wonderful! We just have to keep our ghosts in check, and pray without ceasing. Anything I go through that can help someone else, to me, is worth putting out there for them to read.

LLM

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

It's just a number...

18

That's the number of years between me and my husband.

So what's the big deal?

If it were the number of sands in an hour glass, it wouldn't be very many at all.... on the other hand if it were the number of cars owned by one person, that would be a lot.

But really.... it's just a number.

There are times that he acts like he's in his thirties, and I act like I'm in my fifties. Then other times we both act like we are in our twenties.... Frankly, I was depressed after the divorce when I realized the men my age were still very immature. I even went out with a man 10 years older than me, and he was still just a big child. I was done. I decided if that was the way men were these days, then I wanted no part of it.

What happened to chivalry? What happened to romance and sweetness??

I have enough beefs about the way girls are being raised in this day and age... but the boys aren't being raised much better. I can say that, I have boys, and I hope I can teach them better than the other boys their generation are being taught.

David is the perfect old fashioned gentleman all wrapped up to look like a modern day man. He calls me names like 'darling', 'sweets' and 'doll'. He takes care of me, treats me like a lady - like a queen, actually - and proves he's my hero everyday.

You're only as old as you act, he always says.

We know when we go out in public there are those that think the worst of us. The world comes up with terrible terms like 'cradle-robber' or 'sugar daddy'. But the world doesn't know what we know. The world doesn't see how perfect we are for each other.

But thankfully, the Lord knew, and not only brought us together, but gave us the ability to not care what anyone thinks.

And we are thankful - SO thankful everyday!

Yep, 18 is just a number... just like 37, and 55.

When we're together, we don't think about the numbers. Age means nothing. When we're together, we are the same in every way.

Others may not get it, but we do.