Wednesday, September 10, 2014

The 'Year Ago' game

Does your mind ever play the 'Year Ago' game?

You know, where you automatically think about where you were this time the year before?

Different things can trigger this game. Dates, weekends, church meetings, seasons, holidays, Anything that happens annually... which technically is every day of the year I guess.

My mind plays this game constantly. For the longest time, my mind would rewind back to what I was doing the year before, and I would feel sad, uneasy or even mad. For three or four years the memories from the year before were bad memories. I really hated when my mind would make me play this game. I didn't want to think about where I was the year before.

I wanted to forget.

I prayed to forget.

I wanted that time in my life to be stricken from the record, and from my memories.

Thankfully I'm getting to a time in my life that I don't mind it so much. This fall I look forward to the 'Year Ago' game. That was the time things started to change forever. Change for the better, that is. That was the time David started to really play a part in my life. I enjoy thinking back to how we first started talking. The conversations we would have, the funny things he would say to make me laugh. The butterflies... oh the millions of butterflies I'd get in my stomach every time my phone *dinged*. I loved it.

So, bring it on 'Year Ago' game. I'm ready for you!

I'm ready to reminisce.

I'm ready to take that walk down memory lane.

I'm ready to have all those wonderful memories come flooding back...

...And the best part is, I have someone I can reminisce with now.

Such wonderful, precious times spent reliving memories with the one I love.


Friday, September 5, 2014

Guilty? Who me?

Ok, so I've been thinking about this feeling I have... you know, the one where I feel like I've forgetting something... And it's strange because this feeling has turned to guilt.

I don't understand it.

It's a constant nagging feeling.

I feel guilty for not spending enough time with the boys, even though I'm home with them everyday. I feel guilty because I took them away from their dad. I feel guilty for leaving so many friends back in Arkansas. I feel guilty for moving further away from my family. I feel guilty because I'm enjoying being a stay at home mom, and I feel guilty because I still have a house back in Arkansas that I'm renting... not sure where the guilt is in that, but it's there nonetheless.

Why do I feel so guilty all the time??

I just don't get it.

I know that I am where the Lord wants me to be. Everything is right. Everything is how it should be. I've learned my role, and my place in this family and in this world. I know this is my calling. So what's up with the guilt?

Usually when I write about something that puzzles me I can come up with the answer while I'm writing... but this time I'm still confused.

I'm going to pray about it.

I love where I am, and the family we've made, and I'd just really like to be able to enjoy it without all the weird guilt.


Thursday, August 7, 2014

My happy place

We've now been married almost seven weeks, and quite honestly... it's been the happiest seven weeks of my life.

David and I have fallen into a groove that just flows. We work together so well, there is no problem too big. Neither of us gets bent out of shape very easily, we just go with the flow... knocking out the problems that come. Praying about each issue that rises, and thanking the Lord after the problem is resolved. We don't get irritated about each other's short comings, but instead, forgive and overlook them because we both know what true marital problems are. Dirty socks on the floor and dirty dishes in the sink aren't problems. Spouses who let things like that irritate them are causing unnecessary strife in their marriage. I don't get that, and it saddens me to hear them gripe. But that is a soap box for another day... I'm thinking about how much the Lord has blessed us. This kind of major change in a family should not be going this smoothly. Seriously. For things to be this easy is all the Lord. David and I are not capable of making things go this well. We are still both sinners that make mistakes and say the wrong things, but the Lord is blessing us and I'm thankful for it.

Our favorite part of each day is when he gets home from work. That moment he steps in the door at five o'clock is when the best part of our day begins. He's usually had a long day, so we just relax and take it easy. A little supper, a little TV or maybe a walk around the neighborhood. We usually end up staring into each others eyes debating over who loves who more. We hold each other and reflect on our days, and plan what is to come in the future - both near and far off. And finally before we drift off to sleep, we pray to thank the Lord for this wonderful gift we have been given to be together, and for the family we have been blessed to create.

So, here I am at the beginning of another day... My work is ahead of me, and I have a lot that needs to get done before five o'clock. So I guess I'd better get busy. He'll be home later today, and I'm already anticipating it. I'm ready to be back in my happy place, which is in his arms.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Wait!! Something's missing!!!

One month ago my life completely changed.

I got married.
I moved states.
I became a stay at home mom.
I gained lots of step-sons!
I'm living it a totally different house, trying to find everything, and trying to find my place in it.

Everything is going smoothly, but every once in a while I get this weird feeling.... like I've forgotten something. I check my to-do list, I check my purse, I count my kids... I even check to make sure I have all the ingredients I need to make supper. It's all there.

What am I forgetting??

From what I can gather, I'm still transitioning. I have many tasks and responsibilities here in my new life, but I also had those things in my old life too. Just different ones. A lot of my jobs are the same here, but maybe my mind is worried about not doing my old chores, or maybe I'm just missing all my Arkansas friends. I'm not sure. Maybe I feel like I'm forgetting to go to work. It's very bizarre.

For the next two and a half weeks my boys are at their dad's house in Arkansas. I miss them terribly. yesterday was my first full day back home without them, and I was so lost. I've been without them before the wedding. All the time. But this is my first time in this house without them, and I just couldn't function. I went to the gym and I wasn't able to relax because I felt like I should have them with me or that I needed to go pick them up from wherever they were.

I'm afraid my feeling of missing something is going to be pretty bad till I get them back.

The truth is, I'm homesick.

I don't think I've ever experienced true homesickness till now. Not that I want to move back, but I just miss my people. I miss knowing where everything is. I miss the familiarity of my life back in Arkansas. Everything is different here...

...except two things. The love of my husband and the church. I'm so thankful that no matter where I am, if there is a church, then it's home. It might be a different building with different people. But it's still home.

I thank the Lord everyday for this life I've been given. Soon I won't be so homesick, and I'll stop feeling like something's missing. I pray for that day.

Monday, July 14, 2014

It's complicated

There was no way for David and I to prepare ourselves for how complicated it would be to combine our families. We thought about my boys, we thought about his boys, and in theory we just thought we'd all live under this one roof. But there's more to it than that. There was no way to foresee how we would all mesh.

The older ones are actually taking to the little ones quite well. They each have their boy that they can relate to, and I think that's great. But I have found that there are a few cracks in my plan...

I've found that my biggest struggle is being too timid. I have a very large and unexplainable fear of making people mad. I wish I could figure out where that fear comes from. I know I had it before the divorce... I really think I had it before my first marriage. But the longer I'm around people the more comfortable I get with them. I'm hoping that happens soon. If not, I fear that I'll end up being a maid to all these boys because I can't tell them to pick up their socks.

That. Cannot. Happen.

These older boys need to be taught how to pick up after themselves. They need to learn responsibility. They need to learn that the sink is not a trash can... what's up with that anyway?

I might not be working right now, but I still have a very important job. I'm a mother, a step-mother, a wife - a minister's wife at that, I'm a nurturer, and I'm a roll-model. I have all these guys looking to me for guidance and answers, so I have to step it up. Big time.

The long wait David and I had till we could get married was tough... I almost viewed the wedding as an end. And end to loneliness, an end to my life in Arkansas, and end to being a single parent, and and end to life as I knew it. But really it was just a beginning. A beginning that was hard to see. It's always great to think about 'happily ever after', but it's so hard to see all the work that goes into that fairytale... It's hard to see what your daily life is going to be like. And no matter what, it's never like you imagine it will be.

I imagined my life with the older boys mixing with my younger boys. I could see us all in the house together. But I couldn't see all the details. I couldn't see how the older boys would help me get supper ready, and all the crazy concoctions they'd come up with. I couldn't see the basketball games in the backyard with all the boys playing against each other, and the older boys being illegal screnes so their little teammate could make the shot. I couldn't see the grocery shopping trips where I'm being educated on what all they usually eat, and trying to mix those things with our 'usuals'. I couldn't see the endless supply of gas and burps.... yes, I'm the only female in a house full of males, they got comfortable with me real quick. And I couldn't see how much my boys would look up to the older boys. That makes me happy... even if it is them trying to burp the ABC's like the older guys do.(yay.)

No, not everything is perfect. We have our good days, and we have our bad days. But every night David and I pray together. We pray to thank God for our wonderful little family, and for guidance for each of us. That is our glue. We are a three fold cord, and it doesn't matter how tough things get, he and I will always have the Lord. And that will make everything better. What a wonderful little marriage this is turning out to be.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

...three weeks later

Wow, has it really been almost three weeks since the wedding???

I can't believe it. The time has flown by so fast!

First of all, the wedding was wonderful! Here are a few pictures from our very special day:

That day will live in my memory as the best day of my life. You know why? ...besides the obvious reason that I married the love of my life... It was because he cried when I walked down the aisle. That's right. I've never had someone cry because of me. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. I've watched wedding shows all my life. Some grooms cry, some don't. I have always wondered what it would be like to have someone love me so much that it brought tears to their eyes. It was the best feeling in the world.

There were many tears shed that day. Some sad tears because I was moving, but mostly happy tears. The wedding guests knew what David and I had been through to get to this point, and the love and support from them all was overwhelming. I can't describe it.

It was such a beautiful day.

After the wedding came the honeymoon. We stayed in a cabin in northern Arkansas for four days. It was a wonderful getaway after the whirlwind month we'd had. It was also nice to rest up because as soon as we got back, the move was going to start!

And start it did! We got the truck the day we got back into town and immediately went to work.

After a long two day drive to San Antonio we finally arrived and began unpacking. Unloading a house full of stuff into an already full house was tough. This was probably the most stressful day. No one knew where to put anything, and so it was all just brought in and stacked. My job: Make sense of the mess.

But after two weeks of working non-stop things are finally starting to settle down. All the kids are hanging in there with me through all the changes, and all the many different places I move things. All of them know if they can't find something to just ask me and I'll know where it is. As you can see things are starting to come together, and soon this home - that is already bursting with love - will be functioning like a well oiled machine.

And as far as David and I are concerned....

We're still seeing fireworks.

Much love to you all! I'll keep writing when I can!

Friday, June 20, 2014

I'm not a bride

It's the night before my wedding, and I have so many things on my mind.

All week I've been called the bride. I don't really like that. I've already been a 'bride'. I've had the big dress, and the fancy wedding. I did all that, and it failed anyway.

I'm not a bride this time. All I'm doing tomorrow is saying 'I do' to my best friend. It's not about the wedding. It's not about what I'm wearing, or the size of the ring. It's not about the perfect song or the perfectly tiered cake. It's not about making sure your bridesmaids match your groomsmen, and it's not about unity candles or aisle runners.

It's not going to matter if I spill something on my dress. It won't matter if I wake up with a zit on my face. I can sneeze all day because of allergies (and I seriously may), but it won't matter. The boys may cut up or burp as they walk me down the aisle, and it's not going to ruin anything.

It's going to be a day just like every other day. It will begin and end the same way. There won't be any more hours added to it, nor will time stand still. It will pass just like today did.

Only after tomorrow I get to be the wife to the most amazing man I've ever known. Tomorrow is important, but the day after tomorrow is what it's all about. I'm not a bride. I'm a wife-to-be. That's it.

And it's the most wonderful feeling in the world.

Yes, I'm getting married tomorrow.

But more importantly... I'll be his wife the day after tomorrow... and all the days after that.

Till death do us part.

Thank you, Lord, for this wonderful man.