Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Wait!! Something's missing!!!

One month ago my life completely changed.

I got married.
I moved states.
I became a stay at home mom.
I gained lots of step-sons!
I'm living it a totally different house, trying to find everything, and trying to find my place in it.

Everything is going smoothly, but every once in a while I get this weird feeling.... like I've forgotten something. I check my to-do list, I check my purse, I count my kids... I even check to make sure I have all the ingredients I need to make supper. It's all there.

What am I forgetting??

From what I can gather, I'm still transitioning. I have many tasks and responsibilities here in my new life, but I also had those things in my old life too. Just different ones. A lot of my jobs are the same here, but maybe my mind is worried about not doing my old chores, or maybe I'm just missing all my Arkansas friends. I'm not sure. Maybe I feel like I'm forgetting to go to work. It's very bizarre.

For the next two and a half weeks my boys are at their dad's house in Arkansas. I miss them terribly. yesterday was my first full day back home without them, and I was so lost. I've been without them before the wedding. All the time. But this is my first time in this house without them, and I just couldn't function. I went to the gym and I wasn't able to relax because I felt like I should have them with me or that I needed to go pick them up from wherever they were.

I'm afraid my feeling of missing something is going to be pretty bad till I get them back.

The truth is, I'm homesick.

I don't think I've ever experienced true homesickness till now. Not that I want to move back, but I just miss my people. I miss knowing where everything is. I miss the familiarity of my life back in Arkansas. Everything is different here...

...except two things. The love of my husband and the church. I'm so thankful that no matter where I am, if there is a church, then it's home. It might be a different building with different people. But it's still home.

I thank the Lord everyday for this life I've been given. Soon I won't be so homesick, and I'll stop feeling like something's missing. I pray for that day.

Monday, July 14, 2014

It's complicated

There was no way for David and I to prepare ourselves for how complicated it would be to combine our families. We thought about my boys, we thought about his boys, and in theory we just thought we'd all live under this one roof. But there's more to it than that. There was no way to foresee how we would all mesh.

The older ones are actually taking to the little ones quite well. They each have their boy that they can relate to, and I think that's great. But I have found that there are a few cracks in my plan...

I've found that my biggest struggle is being too timid. I have a very large and unexplainable fear of making people mad. I wish I could figure out where that fear comes from. I know I had it before the divorce... I really think I had it before my first marriage. But the longer I'm around people the more comfortable I get with them. I'm hoping that happens soon. If not, I fear that I'll end up being a maid to all these boys because I can't tell them to pick up their socks.

That. Cannot. Happen.

These older boys need to be taught how to pick up after themselves. They need to learn responsibility. They need to learn that the sink is not a trash can... what's up with that anyway?

I might not be working right now, but I still have a very important job. I'm a mother, a step-mother, a wife - a minister's wife at that, I'm a nurturer, and I'm a roll-model. I have all these guys looking to me for guidance and answers, so I have to step it up. Big time.

The long wait David and I had till we could get married was tough... I almost viewed the wedding as an end. And end to loneliness, an end to my life in Arkansas, and end to being a single parent, and and end to life as I knew it. But really it was just a beginning. A beginning that was hard to see. It's always great to think about 'happily ever after', but it's so hard to see all the work that goes into that fairytale... It's hard to see what your daily life is going to be like. And no matter what, it's never like you imagine it will be.

I imagined my life with the older boys mixing with my younger boys. I could see us all in the house together. But I couldn't see all the details. I couldn't see how the older boys would help me get supper ready, and all the crazy concoctions they'd come up with. I couldn't see the basketball games in the backyard with all the boys playing against each other, and the older boys being illegal screnes so their little teammate could make the shot. I couldn't see the grocery shopping trips where I'm being educated on what all they usually eat, and trying to mix those things with our 'usuals'. I couldn't see the endless supply of gas and burps.... yes, I'm the only female in a house full of males, they got comfortable with me real quick. And I couldn't see how much my boys would look up to the older boys. That makes me happy... even if it is them trying to burp the ABC's like the older guys do.(yay.)

No, not everything is perfect. We have our good days, and we have our bad days. But every night David and I pray together. We pray to thank God for our wonderful little family, and for guidance for each of us. That is our glue. We are a three fold cord, and it doesn't matter how tough things get, he and I will always have the Lord. And that will make everything better. What a wonderful little marriage this is turning out to be.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

...three weeks later

Wow, has it really been almost three weeks since the wedding???

I can't believe it. The time has flown by so fast!

First of all, the wedding was wonderful! Here are a few pictures from our very special day:

That day will live in my memory as the best day of my life. You know why? ...besides the obvious reason that I married the love of my life... It was because he cried when I walked down the aisle. That's right. I've never had someone cry because of me. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. I've watched wedding shows all my life. Some grooms cry, some don't. I have always wondered what it would be like to have someone love me so much that it brought tears to their eyes. It was the best feeling in the world.

There were many tears shed that day. Some sad tears because I was moving, but mostly happy tears. The wedding guests knew what David and I had been through to get to this point, and the love and support from them all was overwhelming. I can't describe it.

It was such a beautiful day.

After the wedding came the honeymoon. We stayed in a cabin in northern Arkansas for four days. It was a wonderful getaway after the whirlwind month we'd had. It was also nice to rest up because as soon as we got back, the move was going to start!

And start it did! We got the truck the day we got back into town and immediately went to work.

After a long two day drive to San Antonio we finally arrived and began unpacking. Unloading a house full of stuff into an already full house was tough. This was probably the most stressful day. No one knew where to put anything, and so it was all just brought in and stacked. My job: Make sense of the mess.

But after two weeks of working non-stop things are finally starting to settle down. All the kids are hanging in there with me through all the changes, and all the many different places I move things. All of them know if they can't find something to just ask me and I'll know where it is. As you can see things are starting to come together, and soon this home - that is already bursting with love - will be functioning like a well oiled machine.

And as far as David and I are concerned....

We're still seeing fireworks.

Much love to you all! I'll keep writing when I can!