Saturday, May 4, 2013

Whoa, Nelly...

I wish I could just slow down. I feel like everything for me is just a rush. I walk too fast, I drive too fast, I do everything faster than it should be done. I'm not patient. I guess I'm part of the 'have it now' generation. If I have a question, google is just a click away. If I'm hungry I could have 'fast food' if I desired. Call waiting? No way, just text. The world is served to us on a platter the instant we want it.

That's how I feel about my future. Everyone tells me how young I am, and that it won't be any trouble to find someone else. Sure, there are options out there in the world... but so far they haven't been good options, at least not ones that have shown any interest.

I always wonder why I'm in such a hurry to find someone. I just got out of something serious, why do I want to dive back into it so quickly? I racked my brain and came up with a few thoughts:

First off, I just don't like to be alone. I can do it, and sometimes I actually kind of like it, but I still wish I had someone around to talk to and to share my life with. I liked being married.

I think I'm also in a hurry because I really, really dislike being single. Not alone.... but single, there'a a difference. When you don't have a ring on your hand men treat you differently than when you do. It's sad to say, but am I really just ready to have the ring back on my hand.

Another reason is that my internal clock is still ticking. Right now I'm at a point where if I did re-marry I could still have more kids. I always wanted to have three or four. So, I guess the more time that passes, the closer I get to that door closing on me forever.

I will be the first to say that these are NOT good reasons to dive back into something so important.

I guess I just feel like my life right now is temporary. I wish I didn't feel this way, because there is no way to know how long I will be single. It could be one or two more years, or fifteen to twenty years, or forever. But I'm finding it very hard to be 'settled' in my life. I want to just relax and go with the flow, but I guess I'm expecting my prince charming to come sweep me off my feet at any moment, and I want to be ready when it happens.

See, that's how I am... That's my personality. I like to be prepared, or on guard, if you will. I'm always early when going places, I always have my payment ready before I get to the checkout, I always do whatever I need to do in order to not make people wait on me. It's just another quirk of mine. So I guess when the opportunity to meet someone new comes about I try to be as prepared as possible. Some may call that neurotic, I prefer to call it quirky. Even though I've thought about it, and I'm pretty sure if, and when, he finally does come along I'm probably not even going to know it's him at first. But for some reason I still feel like I can't even go to the grocery store with my hair a mess just in case he's out shopping that day as well, ya know? That sounds silly... like we're going to bond over fresh fruit or something.

I've always heard people say "He'll come as soon as you stop looking." But how do I stop looking? I'm seriously starting to wonder if it's in my genetic make-up to live my life with no reguard for my future. That would be like an OCD person mixing all their knives, forks and spoons into one big heap. They would go crazy till it was sorted and straightened. That's how I am with patience and preparedness. I am always mentally preparing myself for what might be coming, and I don't know how to stop.

I still have those times that I start to worry about being alone forever, they come almost like a panic attack. I'm just praying I don't let those feelings get the better of me and cause me to make another bad decision. I think that's one of my greatest fears is repeating my past. That's the thought that really makes me think to myself "Whoa, Nelly.... now wait just a minute. You're doing just fine on your own." Then I feel better, and I can calm down just a little. Till the next panic attack comes along. Then, thankfully , I pray about it... and pray about it again.

"Patience is a virtue".... "Good things come to those who wait".... I have to keep reminding myself of these things in this 'have it now' world. Maybe then I will stop being in such a rush. Because things like this will - and should - take time.

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