I had this brilliant idea three months ago. I decided I would take some time off from work to go to an out-of-state church meeting in July. But the kicker is that I'd decided to leave the boys with my parents and go with a group of women instead.
"It will be so fun!" I told myself...
"The boys will have a great time with their cousins." I said...
"You'll have a great time being a 'girl' instead of a 'mom'." I convinced myself...
Well, it's almost here, and I'm starting to freak out a little. I've never been away from my boys for that long. At first I was just worried about how they would be without me.... now I'm worried about how I will be without them. I'm picturing myself huddled in a corner somewhere, rocking back and forth, mumbling gibberish like "Must....see.....boys....".
Deep down I know this will be good for them and for me. I'm just... I don't know....worried I guess. My youngest still has some separation issues since the divorce. He used to be so independent, but now he's very clingy and always wanting to keep me in his sights. So I know this will be hard on him, but good for him too. My oldest I think will be fine. He loves spending time with his cousins, but tonight in a moment of sleepiness he asked me if I really had to be gone that long. That about made me cancel the whole thing.
The truth is, I don't know who I am without them. It's been so long since I had any sort of identity that didn't involve being a mom that I don't know how to act without them. Even just this weekend I went to a beautiful wedding by myself... and I was lost. Utterly, and completely lost. I felt like I was missing something and was looking for it the whole time. Social situations are hard for me to handle, but they are even harder for me without them. It's almost like they are my social safety net. If I don't have anyone to talk to, it's ok, I can just go watch the boys. I'm not going to have that on my trip. I will have to be social no matter how awkward I am. That scares me to death.
Not to mention the fact that I will miss them like crazy. The nights they stay with their dad are good for me, I get a lot done, but by the next day I'm ready to see them again. I'm ready to hug them and be silly with them. I'm ready to have them back with me at home. So I'm just worried I'm going to get two days into this trip and start begging for a ride home, like a motion-sick kid on a carnival ride begging the conductor to make it stop so he can get off. I'm really afraid I'll be that frantic.
I need to just breathe, and pray. I keep thinking back and trying to figure out why I thought this would be a good idea. But I have faith that it will all be ok.
I just need to take it one little baby step at a time, and try to occupy my mind with other things while I'm there.