Do-over

There are times that I would really like a do-over. Not in everything in my life, just in the raising of my kids. I really wish I could go back to the day they were born and completely start over with the mind set I have now instead of back then. Even though I was 28 when I had my first, I still don't think I was mentally or spiritually prepared to raise little humans. Now, unfortunately, I seem to be more consumed with damage control rather than the actual act of teaching them things they need to know. It's very hard to look back and not kick myself for not doing better.

I can't totally blame their father for the way they are... but I can a little. I really should've stood up to him more, but I didn't. I won't go into all the gorey details, but whether we liked it or not, the kids ran the show. Squeaky wheels got oiled, and idle threats were never carried out. His stand was always "Give the kid what he wants so he'll stop screaming" instead of teaching him that throwing the fit was wrong. Every lesson I tried to teach them ended with an argument between he and I. He wanted good kids, but he didn't have a clue how to get them. Not that I really knew at the time, but I had a better idea than he did.

The hardest part is trying to teach them to respect when they've never had to before. If they had learned that from the beginning, it would make things a lot smoother now. I'm really struggling and praying for guidance in trying to go back and teach fundamental things they should've learned years ago. I get so caught up in teaching them stuff they should know already, that I can't teach them the things they need to learn now. I'm so far behind I feel like I'll never catch up.

I can still tell I'm doing more things wrong than I'm doing right, and that's frustrating for me. So since I can't have a do-over, I continue to pray for guidance, and I hope I can somehow do the right thing when it comes to raising them.