Moments from the past few weeks

I got to thinking I never put pictures on here and I should. So here are some random pictures from the past few weeks:

This is me and my oldest son. He really wasn't looking forward to me leaving him for three days. I'm thankful he and his little brother both did well.

My boys playing basketball with my Dad. It's one of their favorite things to do at their house.

Before I left for Texas we all went out to eat and for ice cream. My youngest LOVES ice cream, he really gets into it... and gets it all over himself.

My niece and my Mom in the background at the restaurant we went to.

The next morning I headed south. This is what the area looks like where I grew up. Flat. Beautiful, but flat.

More beautiful flatness... and the sunrise.

I didn't take many pictures while I was in Texas, but when I got back to my parent's house my youngest wanted me to take his picture... he wants so badly to be like his big brother.

When we got back home we started practices for football.... Momma is still uneasy about this decision.

This picture was taken by my oldest son. It's hard to see in the picture, but where the arrow is pointing looks just like a fist is coming out of the clouds. It was really cool.

And last but not least, the jalapeno beer bread I got at the Czech bakery in West, Texas. If you ever pass though there, stop. It's really amazing. I added some cheese to mine because I am my father's daughter and can't leave well enough alone. It was really great.

There you have it, thanks for stopping by!

I really dislike my TV

The entertainment industry is starting to make me feel sick to my stomach.

There are now shows on TV with names like "Mistresses" or "The Betrayal" glorifying the act of infidelity. It makes me sick. Somewhere out there, someone just watched a show like that and decided that cheating on their spouse wouldn't be such a bad thing... and BOOM another marriage is over. I can't take shows like that - I lived it. I don't want to relive it again through a TV show. The very thought of that makes me want to throw up.

When did things start going so very wrong?

I think about getting rid of my TV all the time. Unfortunately, there are still things I need it for. My computer isn't good enough to stream movies or even a weather doplar radar, so I definitely need it, especially for the weather. My boys and I both like to watch sporting events on TV, especially when it comes to a certain university we love, so I feel it's not an option to get rid of it altogether. If I had more electronic "smarts" I could probably figure out what I needed to do to get Netflix or Hulu on my TV, but this girl was an art major in college.... electronics are not my strong suit. I'm lucky it's all hooked up right as it is.

Most nights we just leave it off unless I know there is something we want to see. Which means most nights it doesn't get turned on at all. I like those nights.

Fear and trembling

Well, I did it!

My trip was a success, and I'm so thankful. It was wonderful to be able to go to a church meeting of that size. I've never heard singing like that before. Ever. It was beautiful. I know if the boys had been there they'd have covered their ears because it was so loud. I loved it!

The best part was how the boys were while I was gone. Neither of them had a single melt down the entire time. My parents actually used the word "Angels" to describe their behavior. What?? Are you sure you're talking about my kids?? I'm so glad they were good for them while I was gone.

The hardest part for me was socializing. I'm frustrated with how much I struggle in that area. I know that the more meetings I go to, the more people I will get to know. But for now I don't know many people, and it's hard for me to talk to people I don't know. My self-diagnosis is that I have a form of Social Anxiety Disorder. Whether I actually have it, probably not. I just wish I could go up to anyone and strike up a conversation. It sounds so easy, yet it's the hardest things in the world for me to do.

I'm slowly getting around to what this post is actually about.

I'm learning that the most important things we do in life are ones that scare us. There is a wonderful quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that says "Do one thing everyday that scares you." I love this quote. I've basically lived it for the past year and a half. When all of the changes started in my life, I was afraid of everything. I don't like change. Change is scary. But you know what? Sometimes scary things are wonderful. Sometimes scary things are what make us feel alive! I enjoy my comfort zone, but when I'm forced out of it, it's exhilarating! My heart beats faster, my hands shake, and my voice trembles.... that means I'm living. Not just alive, but LIVING! I love it.

I've received courage through the Lord to do the scary things in my life. Last January I felt the desire and need to be in church every single time I could. I'd never gone to some of these churches before because I didn't know many people in them. But the Lord gave me the courage to go, and now the number of friends I have in the church has grown by leaps and bounds. Something that started out so scary has turned out to be so great.

Going to the far off church meetings where I don't know very many people really scares me. Last weekend really scared me. Sometimes I'll fail and end up hiding in a corner not talking to anyone... and sometimes I'll succeed and make a new friend. But the important part is that I did it. I went out on a limb and I did it!

I like my comfort zone, but it's wonderful to feel alive too.

What was I thinking?

I had this brilliant idea three months ago. I decided I would take some time off from work to go to an out-of-state church meeting in July. But the kicker is that I'd decided to leave the boys with my parents and go with a group of women instead.

"It will be so fun!" I told myself...

"The boys will have a great time with their cousins." I said...

"You'll have a great time being a 'girl' instead of a 'mom'." I convinced myself...

Well, it's almost here, and I'm starting to freak out a little. I've never been away from my boys for that long. At first I was just worried about how they would be without me.... now I'm worried about how I will be without them. I'm picturing myself huddled in a corner somewhere, rocking back and forth, mumbling gibberish like "Must....see.....boys....".

Deep down I know this will be good for them and for me. I'm just... I don't know....worried I guess. My youngest still has some separation issues since the divorce. He used to be so independent, but now he's very clingy and always wanting to keep me in his sights. So I know this will be hard on him, but good for him too. My oldest I think will be fine. He loves spending time with his cousins, but tonight in a moment of sleepiness he asked me if I really had to be gone that long. That about made me cancel the whole thing.

The truth is, I don't know who I am without them. It's been so long since I had any sort of identity that didn't involve being a mom that I don't know how to act without them. Even just this weekend I went to a beautiful wedding by myself... and I was lost. Utterly, and completely lost. I felt like I was missing something and was looking for it the whole time. Social situations are hard for me to handle, but they are even harder for me without them. It's almost like they are my social safety net. If I don't have anyone to talk to, it's ok, I can just go watch the boys. I'm not going to have that on my trip. I will have to be social no matter how awkward I am. That scares me to death.

Not to mention the fact that I will miss them like crazy. The nights they stay with their dad are good for me, I get a lot done, but by the next day I'm ready to see them again. I'm ready to hug them and be silly with them. I'm ready to have them back with me at home. So I'm just worried I'm going to get two days into this trip and start begging for a ride home, like a motion-sick kid on a carnival ride begging the conductor to make it stop so he can get off. I'm really afraid I'll be that frantic.

I need to just breathe, and pray. I keep thinking back and trying to figure out why I thought this would be a good idea. But I have faith that it will all be ok.

I just need to take it one little baby step at a time, and try to occupy my mind with other things while I'm there.

Do-over

There are times that I would really like a do-over. Not in everything in my life, just in the raising of my kids. I really wish I could go back to the day they were born and completely start over with the mind set I have now instead of back then. Even though I was 28 when I had my first, I still don't think I was mentally or spiritually prepared to raise little humans. Now, unfortunately, I seem to be more consumed with damage control rather than the actual act of teaching them things they need to know. It's very hard to look back and not kick myself for not doing better.

I can't totally blame their father for the way they are... but I can a little. I really should've stood up to him more, but I didn't. I won't go into all the gorey details, but whether we liked it or not, the kids ran the show. Squeaky wheels got oiled, and idle threats were never carried out. His stand was always "Give the kid what he wants so he'll stop screaming" instead of teaching him that throwing the fit was wrong. Every lesson I tried to teach them ended with an argument between he and I. He wanted good kids, but he didn't have a clue how to get them. Not that I really knew at the time, but I had a better idea than he did.

The hardest part is trying to teach them to respect when they've never had to before. If they had learned that from the beginning, it would make things a lot smoother now. I'm really struggling and praying for guidance in trying to go back and teach fundamental things they should've learned years ago. I get so caught up in teaching them stuff they should know already, that I can't teach them the things they need to learn now. I'm so far behind I feel like I'll never catch up.

I can still tell I'm doing more things wrong than I'm doing right, and that's frustrating for me. So since I can't have a do-over, I continue to pray for guidance, and I hope I can somehow do the right thing when it comes to raising them.

Memories

What a blessing it is to have our memories. Pictures can only show you so much, it's our memories that really take us back to certain times and places.

I'm thankful for the memories I have of certain times. I lost both of the boys' baby books when the house burned. I keep telling myself I need to replace them and fill in what I can remember... but I'm afraid I don't remember much anymore. I don't remember the exact days they started walking or eating solid foods, I no longer have the locks of hair from their first haircuts. It might sound sad to some, but when you're the one that goes through it, you realize you have what's most important. I still have my boys. I'd rather have that than some old book any day. My memories of those time are good enough for me.

Sometimes memories are a good thing, and sometimes memories are a curse. There are a lot of times something will trigger a bad memory... And it's unstoppable.

I seem to be having one of those weeks. I guess I have things going on right now that are triggering memories that I haven't had in months, or even over a year for some of them. Memories about everything that's happened over the past two years. Memories that bring back my anger and frustration of unanswered questions. Memories that make me feel like I should've done more, or just should've done something differently. I start to feel the hostility or regret, and I don't like it.

I've dealt with these problems already, why are they resurfacing? I'm supposed to be moving forward, not backward.

I had a good long stretch about this time last year that I would pray from the verse in Jeremiah... The Lord said "I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more." That was all I wanted. I wanted to forgive my ex-husband for what he did to me, but mostly I wanted to forget everything that happened. I want to forget everything I saw, or read, or heard. Every fight. Every evil or defiant look that came across his face. I just wanted to push all of those terrible memories out of my head, and never remember them ever again.

I've already forgiven him, and we get along well enough these days. I just want to forget it now.

Please, Lord, take the memories from my mind and let me remember them no more.

I have faith that when this week is over, and everything goes back to normal, I'll be fine. I just have to make it a few more days. Church tomorrow night will help, and there is a meeting this weekend that I'm looking forward to. Thankfully, there will be lots of other wonderful things to occupy my mind.