Monday, June 17, 2013

Peace, Acceptance & Independence

I seem to be having the best month. I'm so happy with my life right now.

Maybe it's because it's finally summer and we can get outside more. The winter was so dreary, and it seemed like it would never end. Then spring came and it either still felt like winter, or was raining everyday. We've finally hit a time when the weather is nice, and I'm loving it.

I've finally stopped worrying so much about my future, and that's really nice. It seems every month that passes I continue to change and heal in ways I didn't even know I needed. I have peace and it's a wonderful thing. But then again, it makes me wonder how I will change even more next month.

A few months ago I really thought I'd hit my moment of acceptance, but now I look back and realize I hadn't. To me, acceptance is when I can truly admit what happened, and own up to my labels and be ok with it. In my post about not being good enough I called myself a single mom for the very first time. I'd never uttered the words. I'd never typed them unless it was to say how much I despise the term. But I said them, and for the first time I smiled. Not because it's something to be proud of, but because for the first time I was content with it.

I've finally accepted who I am, and it's a good feeling. I think I'd put it off for so long because I didn't want to be one of those women who proudly say they're divorced. And I still won't be like that. To me, it's not something to be proud of, it's like you're saying you gave up on your marriage. I didn't give up, nor did I do anything to cause it. I fought for it more than I could ever put into words.

It's such a breakthrough for me to come to terms with who I am. I even make jokes about it to myself now. - By the way, have I mentioned I talk to myself? Well, I do... sometimes I'm the only company I have. I even laugh at my own jokes. - Like this weekend when I was mowing my lawn I kept thinking about the lawn mower as my "Single-Mom Treadmill". And my new weed eater that I just got is so girly they should've made it pink. It's my "Single-Mom Arm Machine". I love it. I've never loved a piece of lawn equipment before, but I love this thing. Anything that adds to my independence is awesome. I don't like trying to do a job, and feeling like I'm not strong enough or unable in any way.

The way the world is these days is a good thing and a bad thing. Companies are making products that are suited more for women because there are so many divorced couples now. It's sad that there are so many, but I guess I should be thankful that they are helping me be independent. I can't imagine what it must've been like 50 years ago for women in my situation.

Considering how things could be, it's easy for me to see how blessed I am. The Lord takes care of me and my boys, and provides for us in ways I'm sure we never even see. I'm so thankful for that.

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