Monday, June 10, 2013

Never good enough

Sometimes I feel like I'm struggling to stay afloat. Not financially or emotionally... just in keeping up with life. It's moving so fast these days I can't keep up.

First and foremost, I'm not complaining. Not by any means. I don't want anything in my life to change. In fact, I like all of the responsibilities I have. I just wish I had more hours in the day to get it all done. I'm still trying to get used to people wanting to help me. I feel like I have the attitude of a toddler sometimes. I just want to say "I can do it myself."

I had a friend tell me once that they don't know how I do everything that I do. I guess I'd never really thought about my life being busier or harder than anyone else's. I'm just a working single mom. You do what you gotta do to get by. But now, after hearing that, when I think about everything I have to do, I have two conflicting emotions: 1. I feel like I have an excuse if one of my tasks doesn't get done... Which I really don't like, because then I use the excuse of not having any help rather than trying harder. And 2. I have a small sense of pride in knowing I CAN handle my life. I don't want to say that in a boastful way, but in a way that gives me motivation. I have more drive to do more everyday because I know God has made me strong enough to handle it. If He gave me the strength to do everything I have to do, then I don't need to make excuses or complain. I need to just get off my duff and do it.

The only time I get frustrated is when I feel like I've done all I can do, and it's still not good enough. I work all day at my job, then come home and work all night at home, cooking, cleaning, working in the yard, going to baseball games... and still try to do what I can to squeeze in a little play time with the boys before they go to bed. Something always falls through the cracks. Carpets won't get vacuumed regularly. Laundry will pile up, both dirty and clean. My lack of weed eating was apparently too much for one of my neighbors to handle, so they killed all the grass on our adjoining fence. Talk about feeling not good enough, that made me feel awful. Thankfully I have a new (and easier to use) weed eater now, so I can hopefully prevent future grass killings. And somehow in the midst of all this craziness I'd like to cook healthy meals and workout. If I could do all this and still diet and exercise, I'd truly be super woman.

I just constantly feel like I'm not good enough.
I don't play with my boys enough.
I don't read my bible enough.
I don't keep my yard up as well as my neighbors would like.
I don't make healthy meals all the time.

I just feel like the standards I've set for myself are so high I'll never live up to them.

Some days I just want to throw in the towel. But I can't. I have to learn to live with what doesn't get done till I have time to catch up. It will eventually all get done, I just have to be persistent, and forgive myself a lot.

It's like the saying goes: "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have."

That's me.

I don't have a choice. I can't give up. I have two growing boys that need fed and played with and disciplined. I have to keep going and pray that God will give me the strength to stay afloat.

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