I am the kind of person that isn't comfortable with major changes. I get very attached to things and people, and it's hard for me to let them go. I'm in a situation that would normally cause me a lot of grief and sadness, but so far I've yet to feel that.
I've called Arkansas my home now for almost nine years. That's hard to believe. And even though I moved here for my ex-husband's job and family, I have made a life of my own here.
But now I'm moving.
I'm leaving the best friends I've ever had. I'm leaving my church family that I feel are my blood relatives. There is a couple in the church I call my grandparents, even though they are not. I have girls in the church I call sisters, and not just as my church sisters... these girls have been with me through everything. Every time I needed one of them, they have been there for me. And I'm leaving them.
But here is the weird part. I'm not sad yet.
I don't understand it, and in fact, I feel guilty because of it.
My head tells me I should be sad. But my heart isn't letting me. Or maybe it's the other way around.
I honestly feel like the Lord is wrapping me in his strength. I'm so focused on the future that awaits me in June that I haven't gotten to think about the other side of the coin. I know I'm going to miss Arkansas, but it still hasn't sunk in. Maybe the Lord is easing me into the understanding that I'm leaving my loved ones. The realization seems to be coming a little bit at a time.
One thing I can rest easy in, is the fact that I am sure that this is the life God has led me to. There are no doubts. There is no second guessing. I know this is what is best for me, and for my boys, and that makes all the difference. I've never been more sure about anything in my life. There has been so much prayer involved in this, that I feel 100% confident that I am meant to be in Texas.
I go to church and see my loved ones, they ask how things are going, and I light up. My smile could be seen from the moon! Then tears well up in their eyes. They remember I'm leaving. It breaks my heart to see it. I hate to leave them, but I look forward to going at the same time. It's such a strange concept to grasp. Joy and sorrow in the same exact moment.
My point in all this is a lecture to myself. What I need to be doing is making every moment with my church family count. I need to be visiting them during the week, having lunch with the girls, and making memories. It's okay to plan for my life that is coming, but I also need to focus on my time here in Arkansas while I can. Because soon this time will be gone. Like a vapor.
Thankfully I have a comfort in knowing I'm not gone for good. The boys' dad still lives here, so we will be coming here a few times each year for that reason and for church meetings as well. I will be able to see my loved ones and catch up on their lives. I guess that is where my heart is right now. It's making me focus on the fact that I'll be back to visit, and that's good.
I'm waiting for it to hit me, and it will soon. And when it does, it won't be pretty. I know me, and I know that the breakdown is coming. I will need to shed the tears to move onto the next phase of my life. That's just how I work. It is my letting go process, and they are inevitable. But I have faith the Lord will help me through once more. It will be a sad time, but it will be very happy time too.
As Truvy says in my favorite movie: "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion." (name that movie...)
That is where I will be when it hits me. Laughter and tears. Happiness and sadness. As one of the old hymns says: God has not promised joy without pain. My joy is coming, but so is the pain. I just pray to make the most of my time here in Arkansas while I still can.
I pray I don't look forward to the future so much that I forget to enjoy the present.
That is my prayer tonight.