Saturday, March 15, 2014

Beauty from ashes

Last year on March 13th I had written a blog post that described - down to the last detail - the events that happened the day my house burned. However, no one can read that post because it is one of the ones I deleted. With just cause...

On that day in 2010 my house burned, up until then it was the worst day of my life. Little did I know worse days were coming.

That same day in 2011 I re-lived it with complete clarity, and cried most of the day.

In 2012 I remembered it well, and still had a hard time dealing.

Then in 2013, I wrote the story of what happened. But I also wrote, with complete bitterness, about how that day was the beginning of the end of my marriage. But I know I was wrong.

I blamed the house fire for my marriage failing. I won't go into why, but for a long time I believed that. I now know they were two separate events that had little to do with each other. It doesn't matter if my house burned or not, the affair would've happened regardless. I can truly believe that now.

I know most of this will only make sense to me. If you knew the whole story you'd understand, and it's not that I don't want to tell anyone, it's just irrelevant now. What's done is done, retelling it won't accomplish anything.

All I know is this year the 13th came and went without a single thought of the fire.

That is my point in this whole thing. It's gone. Not quite forgotten, but almost.

I find that amazing, and I'm so thankful for it.

I have too many blessings in my life to think about the past. Whether the fire had anything to do with the affair or not, I'm thankful it happened. Seriously. It got me where I am today. I think about life before the fire and it makes me sad. I was in a toxic marriage and I didn't even realize it. I was weak. I wouldn't stand up for my beliefs. I let people walk all over me. Not anymore. I never knew I could be this strong. If you'd have told me four years ago where I'd be today, I'd say you were crazy. The Lord has helped me and blessed me more than I could've ever imagined.

It feels good to finally let go of the bitterness I held on to for so long. The Lord helped me do it without even realizing it. I have nights that my only prayers are to thank God for helping me and my boys through the pain and changes, and for bringing David into my life. I'd do it all again to be where I am today.

This blog, for me, is a testament of the amazing beauty that truly can come from ashes.

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