I seldom have a really lonely night anymore. When I don't have the boys during the week I use those nights to catch up on everything that's been piling up. I would ideally like to use those nights as a time to relax and regroup before they come back the next day, but I'm usually so busy with everything that hasn't gotten done that I end up more exhausted than the nights I have them. I finally call it quits about eleven o'clock and fall into bed.
Saturdays are different, though. One Saturday each month they are with their Dad. He picks them up at noon, and I get them back on Sunday sometime. So I have the whole afternoon and night to myself. I always look forward to it, and try to plan projects to keep me busy. But I usually finish up everything in the afternoon, and my nights become very quiet. This is where Saturday night church services are handy. I get to be where I want to be, and with the people I want to be with, and I'm not sitting at home by myself.
I actually don't mind being by myself. I'm the introvert type, and my alone time is actually very important to me. So it's not like I'm bothered by being alone. There's just a really fine line between alone and lonely. I usually cross that line sometime around nine o'clock. Every other hour of the day I'm happy to be where I am, and confident that I'm doing the best I can raising two boys by myself. But then night comes and I wonder if I'm meant to be alone forever.
I scroll through pin after pin on Pinterest looking at all of the meaningful craft projects that people do for their families. Charms with the fingerprints of everyone, Framed art with everyone's handprints, all these ideas that involve a Mom, a Dad, and the kids. No one want to see crafts of just the Mom and the kids. Family pictures aren't something I want to have made. Even though I'm good with it being us three, doing things or making things to immortalize this time in our life is sad to me. Not that I'm ready to be more than three yet, I don't know. Maybe I am... I guess for now I just feel like we're incomplete.
I know I shouldn't feel that way. I should be happy with this time I get to myself to heal, to learn to trust again, and to take time to find myself and figure out what I want.
Trust. That's a loaded issue. How do I trust again? Are all men the same? Are they different? How do I know? Since spring I've had three married men try to hit on me. How is this supposed to help? I still have glimmers of hope that I can trust again, but they seem to be getting dimmer and dimmer with every scumbag I come across.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm better off alone.
Like I said, lonely nights are the worst.