Alone in a crowd

I take back what I said about lonely nights being the worst. Instead I think nights like tonight are.

Nights that one of the boys have an event...

Nights that their Dad comes to the event, and brings his friend...

Nights where Moms, Dads and other family members come to watch their kids...

Nights that the boys will be going home with their Dad after the event.

...and I will go home by myself.

I watch as family after family clumps together in groups to cheer on their little ones. And then there's me. I end up sitting awkwardly a few spaces down from the boys' Dad so I can see my youngest son while his big brother is out on the field. It becomes very clear to me that I don't have anyone. Not even just a significant other type person, but anyone. I don't even have any family that lives close enough to come to events like this. I'm there - alone in a crowd - clinging to my youngest son. Hundreds of people in the stands, and I've never felt more alone.

After it's over, the larger clumps of families break off into smaller clumps to get in their cars to go to home. I say goodbye to my boys, and they go with their Dad. And I walk across the lonely parking lot to my car.

Nights like tonight are tough.

Choking back the tears kind of tough.

More good stuff

I've just about got this one set to memory. I love it.

Reading

Some people won't write in their bibles. I'm not one of those people. My memory is so terrible. I somehow have to keep track of the verses I want to remember. This system works for me. But sometimes I get a little highlighter-happy...

I guess the 3rd chapter in Colossians was exactly what I needed to read this morning. It's good stuff.

The battle of good vs. evil

I've been looking at this battle of good and evil a lot lately with myself. But, this time I'm looking at it in reference to my boys. Whether the boys know it or not, they are in the middle of a battlefield. I can see their little minds being pulled in two different directions and there are times they don't know which way to go.

Most days of each month the boys are with me. I'm trying very hard to have a positive influence over them. I take them to church as much as possible. We pray more. We have a bible verse and manner of the week that we try to work on here and there. They are getting better with pleases and thank yous, and a new one they've been working on lately is "yes, and no Ma'am". I've never required them to say this until just the past month and it's slowly starting to sink in. Slowly.

When they are with their Dad they have nothing expected of them. They do not have to speak respectfully, they are not around good, God-fearing people. They are subjected to foul language, selfish attitudes, and adult behaviors that make me cringe just thinking about it.

The two worlds they go back and forth between are on two totally separate ends of the spectrum.

I'm to the point where I've had them in church so many times I feel there are certain things they should be doing. Mostly holding their song books, starting to sing some, not laying down, etc. And they do these thing pretty well sometimes, and then sometimes it's like they are rebelling. Like they don't want anything to do with church at all. They fight me tooth and nail about it.

Perseverance - That is my mantra lately. I know I just have to keep at it, and do the best I can without pushing too hard.

The things that make it all worth it are the glimmers of hope that I see every once in a while. Like when I hear one of them humming or singing a church song. Or like the other night, both of my boys were having a 'scary' night where they were over-tired and everything was frightening them. My oldest asked me if I would pray with him for safety from the things that were scaring him. I kept my cool, but inside I was jumping for joy. What an encouragement to keep pressing on with everything I've been doing.

I look at the other kids in the church that are their ages and I watch the way they act. I try very hard not to compare my boys to them, or to get upset when mine won't act as well as they do. I just really have to keep things in perspective and compare them to how they were acting last year at this time.

My boys are exposed to things the other kids in the church don't have to deal with. I don't want to use this as an excuse to let them get away with acting ugly, but rather as a reminder for me to be patient with them, and to persevere in my guiding of them.

Lord, please continue to help me in this difficult process.

Lonely nights are the worst

I seldom have a really lonely night anymore. When I don't have the boys during the week I use those nights to catch up on everything that's been piling up. I would ideally like to use those nights as a time to relax and regroup before they come back the next day, but I'm usually so busy with everything that hasn't gotten done that I end up more exhausted than the nights I have them. I finally call it quits about eleven o'clock and fall into bed.

Saturdays are different, though. One Saturday each month they are with their Dad. He picks them up at noon, and I get them back on Sunday sometime. So I have the whole afternoon and night to myself. I always look forward to it, and try to plan projects to keep me busy. But I usually finish up everything in the afternoon, and my nights become very quiet. This is where Saturday night church services are handy. I get to be where I want to be, and with the people I want to be with, and I'm not sitting at home by myself.

I actually don't mind being by myself. I'm the introvert type, and my alone time is actually very important to me. So it's not like I'm bothered by being alone. There's just a really fine line between alone and lonely. I usually cross that line sometime around nine o'clock. Every other hour of the day I'm happy to be where I am, and confident that I'm doing the best I can raising two boys by myself. But then night comes and I wonder if I'm meant to be alone forever.

I scroll through pin after pin on Pinterest looking at all of the meaningful craft projects that people do for their families. Charms with the fingerprints of everyone, Framed art with everyone's handprints, all these ideas that involve a Mom, a Dad, and the kids. No one want to see crafts of just the Mom and the kids. Family pictures aren't something I want to have made. Even though I'm good with it being us three, doing things or making things to immortalize this time in our life is sad to me. Not that I'm ready to be more than three yet, I don't know. Maybe I am... I guess for now I just feel like we're incomplete.

I know I shouldn't feel that way. I should be happy with this time I get to myself to heal, to learn to trust again, and to take time to find myself and figure out what I want.

Trust. That's a loaded issue. How do I trust again? Are all men the same? Are they different? How do I know? Since spring I've had three married men try to hit on me. How is this supposed to help? I still have glimmers of hope that I can trust again, but they seem to be getting dimmer and dimmer with every scumbag I come across.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm better off alone.

Like I said, lonely nights are the worst.

Momentary relapse...

This evening has been very nice. I don't have the boys, so I decided to get a little painting done.

I'm at a very good place right now. I have fought a battle within myself to trust in God when it comes to my future. Before, I felt it was always my job to be on the look out for Mr. Right. I felt I couldn't even leave the house with a hair out of place for fear of not being prepared for whenever I met him.

Well, I'm thankfully a whole lot smarter now, well maybe not a whole lot, but at least a little. I sometimes look back and think about how dumb I was. These days I'm just sitting back not worrying about a thing. I have so many other things going on in my life to concentrate on. Worrying about my future is just a waste of time. Besides, I've made up my mind that it doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, if an attractive man acts interested in me and isn't in the church, I just need to move on. They are not worth my time or energy. If God means for me to be with someone that is not in my church, then I will trust Him in that situation.

But.... sometimes I relapse.

Back to my painting....

I was painting some chairs and ran out of paint, and I decide to go to Walmart to get some more. I'm in my paint clothes, hair in a ponytail, and my make-up is non-existent at this point. But I'm not worried about it. It's all good. There is no one at Walmart that I need to impress.

I go into the store, and the sun is hitting me in the eyes. When my vision finally clears, there he is. This tall, dark and handsome man staring right at me. I seriously had to catch my breath. Where did he come from? Could he really be from my little town? Why is he looking at me?? I'm trying to think of other things I need to get while I'm there so I can see him again. We make eye contact a few more times while I'm in there. My subconscious is telling me "He's a man of the world, let it go." "He's going to be just like all the others, it will only end in heartache." The other side of my brain (that doesn't like to listen to my subconscious) is ignoring all those thoughts, and trying to come up with something I need on aisle 7.

When I get in my car, I decide to look in the mirror to make sure I looked at least half way decent...

...and I see that I have black paint on the end of my nose.

Yep... no wonder he was staring.

That's about par for the course.

My future is back in the hands of the Lord. As it should be.