Dealing

It seems every month, week, or even day I learn something new about myself that I have to deal with. Another repercussion that I didn't even know I had.

When you've been cheated on, it changes you dramatically. I managed to make it through my whole high school and college dating life having only dated boys that were true to me - of course this is just to the best of my knowledge. So I was able to go into my marriage completely trusting and confident that my 'happily ever after' was going to happen. I had no reason to think otherwise.

But in 2010 my life changed. My cookie cutter world was flipped upside down. Within a two month period my house burned and my husband started an affair that would lead to our divorce. My faith in God grew, and my trust in the world took a plunge.

You would think that the only repercussion from all that would be trust, but it's not. Being cheated on is a blow to your entire mental state. The effect it's had on me is complicated, and I'm finding hidden layers of issues that I didn't know were even there. Thankfully, my trust is returning. The hit to my self esteem is getting better. But I've found a new layer. I'm realizing the mindset you have while being suspicious of an affair will change the way your mind responds to certain things. When I hear of a friend's husband going out of town - for any reason - my first thought is automatically "he's having an affair". When I hear of a husband being insensitive to his wife, I think it's because his affections lie with his mistress. When I notice any out of the ordinary behavior, I automatically think the absolute worst possible thing.... and I hate it so much. I hate thinking the worst. I want to scream and pull my hair out every time this happens.

I never used to be like this. I've always been optimistic, and even naïve to an extent. Some people think it's a bad thing to be naïve, but I have to disagree. When the opposite of naïve is jumping to conclusions that aren't even there, I'll take naïve any old day. I'd rather live in a state of blissful trust - and pray that everything is ok - than to constantly be looking over my shoulder, and questioning every motive. I just want to be back in my sheltered, naïve world where I don't know just how bad the world can really be. I want to trust with my whole heart, and not over-think every action till it becomes a motive for evil in my mind.

I realized soon after the divorce that if I were to ever re-marry it would have to be to someone that has been through what I've been through. Someone who has known the pain of an affair. If I were to marry someone who has never been cheated on, they would never understand the emotions that come with it. The perfect person for me would know what I've been through, and know how to calm my fears, ease my anxieties, and not get mad at me for questioning things.

And the best part is that the Lord knew who I would need long before I did.

Thankful

Jaxon, my oldest son, came home from school today and pulled some papers out of his backpack. He looked for one in particular to show me. It was a list of everything he's thankful for. I started to read it expecting to see his usual list of family, pets, sports, etc. But I was pleasantly surprised to see what had made the list. In fact... it made the top of the list.

In case it's hard to read, here is what it says:


There are many things I am thankful for. Here are a few:
-My church
-My freedom
-My food
-My school
-My friends
But I am most thankful for my family. I am most thankful for my family because they take care of me and provide me what I need and they take me to church on Sunday.


I love this boy. So very much.


If I had to make a list of everything I'm thankful for this year, this would make the top of the list. Hands down.

Smitten

If you don't hear from me for a while, don't worry, everything's ok. In fact, everything is wonderful. No complaints to get out, no fears to fret over, and no issues to be hashed out.

The world, as I know it, just got a little more beautiful.

Maybe one day I'll tell you all about it, but until then...



...just know that I am totally smitten.

There's no such thing...

Over the past couple of years I've had to put up with all sorts conversations with my ex-husband. Most of which I would never tell another human being. But there was this one conversation that will stick with me forever. It was short and sweet and went something like this:

Him - "I think you are taking the boys to church too much."

Me - (laugh) "If that's the worst thing I do to my kids, I think I can live with that."

End of conversation.

That moment I realized how much he had changed from when we married. He was a total stranger to me. Someone that I didn't care about anymore, and that I no longer cared what he thought of me. I was completely disconnected from him at that point.

I was not only disappointed in him, but I was also relieved to be rid of him. I was so thankful for where my life was going compared to where it was.

How can you make a statement like that?

I'm sorry, but too much church? Really? There's just no such thing.

I always think of that conversation when the weekend of a church meeting is approaching. I actually think it makes me want to take them to church more.

Trust

This is a very sensitive subject for me. I'm almost afraid of it. I try to avoid the subject if at all possible because it bothers me so much.

In my marriage a trust was broken. Our marriage was never the same after that. Every time I felt suspicious about something I would be flooded with the heat of blood rushing all through my body. My ears and face would feel as hot as fire. My stomach would tie itself into knots and I would feel the need to throw up. It's a feeling I had too many times to count during the last two years of my marriage. It's a feeling I never want to have ever again.

So how do I trust again? My trust was only broken with that one person. How do I leave my trust issues with him and not take them into my next relationship or marriage? My next husband will have done nothing to break a trust with me, so why should I be paranoid if he is late getting home, or if he forgets to call?

What if I let these fears ruin my future?

You see why this subject scares me.

I've been ignoring these feelings for a long time hoping they would fade with the anger and pain, but what if they haven't?


Sometimes I don't even realize what I need to pray for until I write about what I'm afraid of.

Looks like I've got some praying to do.