I'm trying to figure out what exactly self esteem is. Is it pride? Is it being conceded? Is it selfish to feel good about yourself? How do you be humble and still have self esteem? Does that combination even exist?
I was married to someone who did nothing but bring down my self esteem. I would constantly take hits or digs about things I wasn't good at or didn't do right. I often got yelled at. I was constantly reminded that I was lucky to be with him. Or he would feel the need to remind me I wasn't as smart as he was. I don't think it was technically verbal abuse... but it hurt nonetheless.
Sometime I wonder how I put up with it.
But then I realize how... It was because I vowed to.
These days I'm starting to feel better about myself, to an extent. But sometimes it's still hard for me to imagine what it is that I could offer someone.
When you hear the negative for so long it makes it hard to hear positive things about yourself. I have wonderful friends who are constantly reminding me of my good qualities. It's a blessing. I hope I can one day believe them. When I first started this journey of being divorced, all I wanted was to be married again. That was what I knew. That was how I wanted things to be again. I would even start to think that I could settle for someone that wasn't perfect just to get me back in my familiar territory.
Thankfully the Lord knows what I need more than I do. He knew I needed time to myself. He knew I needed to get my priorities straightened out.
The more I think about what I want out of marriage the more selfish I feel. Before I approached marriage as "what can I do for you, and how can I love you more." But I never got very much in return. I still want to approach marriage with that attitude, but I am craving that feeling in return. I want to be loved and doted over and made to feel like they are the lucky one to have me in their life. I want someone that knows every fault I have and that still loves me in spite of them - without holding them over my head. My marriage before was give, give, give. I need to have that returned to me. If I don't have that in return it's just not worth it to me.
These jumbled thoughts are in my prayers this evening.... Thankfully I have a God that can understand my prayers even when they are jumbled.