It is well....

...with my soul.

This weekend was very eye-opening for me. I had a great conversation with someone who is in my exact situation. He is a minister, which was the best part, because I was made to realize that even ministers aren't immune to the tribulations of the world. It finally sunk in that I didn't do anything to cause what happened. I don't know why it took me so long to come to terms with that. I kept trying to rationalize an irrational situation. We talked for a long time sharing our stories and how we are doing now, and I learned from talking to him is that it's ok for me to be happy about what happened.

Yes, I just said that...

Don't get me wrong, I had to endure a lot of pain and anguish, and I'm still working through problems and lasting effects of it. Especially lasting effects on my boys. But to see how much happier my home is now and how loving my boys and I are is so amazing. There is no more yelling in my house. There is no more mis-trust and speculation. I'm closer to the Lord. I'm a better church member than I used to be. I have so much joy in my life. But for me to actually say I'm happier because of what happened is just strange to me. But I am. I really, really am. I'm actually thankful for what happened, because if it hadn't I'd still be on the wrong path with someone who was a bad influence on me and my boys.

It hasn't been all sunshine and roses. I had to go through a lot of pain to get to this point. But I'm here, and I'm happy.

I will never claim to know why my life has turned out the way it has, but I will forever be thankful for it.

It is truely WELL with my soul.

Identity and conduct

I think my biggest question to myself these days is "What is my identity?"

Have I gone through something that is going to define me, or is there more to me than this? I like to think there there is more to me, but sometimes I wonder what it is...

I have many titles in my life, my favorite is Mom. I'm also a daughter, sister, aunt, and other various relative terms. In my job I have two titles, Graphic Designer, and Sales Manager. I'm an American. I'm a Republican. Most importantly, I'm a Primitive Baptist. All these titles have been mine for a long time. The only title I've lost is Wife. So why would I let the loss of one of my titles define who I am?

All I can think of is that the roll I had as a wife was one that I took pride in. It consumed most of my identity. I put time and effort and care into that roll, and without it I guess I was kind of lost. I had to find my niche in the world again.

These days I'm trying to figure out how I'm supposed to conduct myself with this new identity. I have two opposing ideas in my head, and sometimes I don't know which one to listen to. I have part of my head that tells me what I have been through is something I need to not speak about, and live my life as quiet as possible. I don't want to attract more attention to myself than I already have. But then the other side of my head is telling me that if I keep everything bottled up inside me I'm going to eventually explode. I don't know which is right. Is it ok to talk about what I've been through, or do I keep it inside of me and hope I don't internally combust? Like when a conversation turns to a certain subject, do I continue to join in even though I might say something about my past, or do I slink back into the corner and not say anything? What am I supposed to do? I want to conduct myself in a respectable manner, but most of the time I don't have a clue as to how that would be.

I have wonderful friends and family that have listened to me and have been there for me every step of the way, and I know that whatever I do or say, they will support me and reassure me that it is all part of the process. But sometimes I just want someone to tell me I've gone too far. I'm a very open person, sometimes too open. I don't seem to know where the imaginary line is that I shouldn't cross, and I want someone out there to show me where it is. I feel like I'm navigating uncharted waters. I want to learn from the women in my church, but I sometimes feel like I'm not even in the same ocean as they are so I don't know how to learn about where I am. So I end up just staying lost most of the time.

I guess all I can do is pray that the Lord will guide me in my new identity and teach me how I should conduct myself. Whether it is chastisement by the Lord, or my peers, or myself, I hope I will figure out how to navigate through these waters and find my way.

Putting away old dreams

I think the hardest thing I've had to do is put away the dreams I've had since I was young. I always had a vision for my life with dreams and goals. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I won't ever see some of those goals.

I'll never be part of a marriage that lasts to certain milestones. I see all these wonderful pictures of couples that celebrate 60 and 70 years of marriage, and I know that's no longer an option for me. Even if I re-married this year I'd have to live to be 86 just to see a 50th wedding anniversary. It seems trivial for me to think about that, but it's a loss. Everytime I realize a dream that won't come true I have to mourn the loss of that dream. It's all a healing process. It's sometimes hard to dream of only a 20 or 30 year marriage, but if that's the hand I'm dealt, then it will be a wonderful hand, and it's now one of my 'new' dreams.

I've also had to put away all of the visions I ever had for everything from graduation ceremonies to weddings and grandbabies. The vision will never be what I once thought it would be, but that's ok. I have to keep in mind is that just because it's not going to be exactly how I pictured it, it will still be wonderful in it's own different way.

I have to always remember that just because someone else has a long marriage, or perfect life (which I know doesn't exsist) that doesn't mean my life won't one day be just as wonderful as theirs... and that doesn't mean I'm not happy with where I am right now. I love my life right now. Everything is going in the right direction. But little girl dreams of 'happily ever after' don't just go away because you get older. I may have hit a speed bump, but that doesn't mean it won't be better ahead.

Everytime I let go of an old dream, I'm able to make room for a new ones.

And that makes me happy.

Trusting in God

So, I've been wanting to tackle the subject of dating lately. I'm not sure why, it's just been on my mind.

I'm at a very good place right now. I'm over the past and looking forward to whatever my future may hold. In the past I had psychotic episodes where I would really start to worry about being alone forever, I even went so far as to be set up on a blind date. I think that was just all part of the healing process. I'm at a place now that I'm happy and content. I've settled into my new life, and it's going smoothly.

So now my mind has started to drift, once again, to my future. I would like to share my life with someone. I would also like a good male figure in my boys' lives. The problem is, I'm at a weird age for dating. I'm too old for those looking for a first wife, but not quite old enough for most in other various situations. I'm stuck here in the middle. I'm not actually looking for someone... but I will consider possibilities if they are presented. I'm wanting to have faith that the Lord will lead me in the right direction.

If I had to make a wish list of qualities I would like in someone, there would only be one thing on the whole list. I would want him to be Primitive Baptist. That's it. If I could have that one thing in a man, the rest is all workable.

Unfortuantely, the options in that area are slim in my age group. So, in the mean time I'm keeping an open mind. I have that teeny tiny voice in the back of my head that keeps saying things like "there are other good men out there.... there are men that would be willing to change to my religion.....dad wasn't a Primitive Baptist when mom married him..." etc. So, I'm not ruling out the option of a non-PB just yet. However, I may have to...

As of lately, the only interest I've recieved has been by a customer of mine who turned out to have a drinking problem, and my son's coach who turned out to be married. Don't worry, I've steered clear of them both, but I'm not faring so well here..... This is why I'm just about to rule out all but the Primitive Baptists. I start out thinking someone is nice, and then it goes horribly, horribly wrong.

Is this really how the world is?

Well, if it is, then I'm better off alone anyway. I trust that if God sees fit for me to have another companion, then he will lead me in the right direction... at the right time.

Accepting help...

I think the hardest thing in the world for me to do is accept help from others.

There are rare times when I find myself in a jam and have to ask for help, and I'm ok with that. It's the times that I know I can handle something, and I get help with it anyway that bother me.

Like today. I have a very large yard. I also have a very small mower... but it was in my budget so it makes me proud. I have my own little mower and my very own large yard to keep mowed. I like this. It makes me happy. However, due to the ever changing weather, and a baseball schedule to work around I hadn't gotten to the mowing yet. but I was going to... this week. I'd made plans to.

But I got home today and my very sweet and generous eldery neighbor had mowed it for me.

My first reaction was to burst into tears because I'm a failure.

Why can't I just be grateful for the help?

I have a very stubborn, independent nature. I've gotten pretty good at taking care of just about anything I need around here. Now I feel like I'm indebted to them. I don't like that feeling. The silly thing is that I would help my neighbors with anything they need without expecting a single thing in return. Yet I cringe at the thought of them helping me.

It just makes me feel like a charity case, and that bothers me.

I just wish I could see these acts as ones of kindness rather than charity, and just be thankful for them.

I think I'll go make them some cookies.

Influence

I don't think people realize how much of an influence they are on those around them.... or how much they are the ones being influenced BY others.

When you are around someone for a certain amount of time there are things that rub off on you. It can be words or phrases, mannerisms, or even just their attitude.

I'm starting to realize that I owe a good portions of my attitude to who I was married to for ten years. When I start to wonder why I have gone through so many troubles instead of thanking God for helping me through them, I feel that I'm having those thoughts because he was rubbing off on me. Not to gripe or complain, but I was married to someone that was very selfish, in more than just the obvious ways.

It really scared me when I realized how selfish my thought process had gotten. It's like a trap you don't even know you're falling into until you're already in it. I'm working on my attitude, but I can still tell when the selfishness starts to creep back in.

I only wish it didn't effect me now, but it does unfortunately. If effects my boys. It breaks my heart to see the disspointment on my son's face when he doesn't feel the love and encouragement from his Dad. All he wants is for his Dad for come to his baseball practices and encourage him and practice with him like the other Dads, but all his Dad does is act like it's a burden for him to be there. I'm thankful my son lets me do these things with him. I'm thankful I can see past my life to show him how much I love him, and encourage him in whatever he does.

I guess the thing that scares me the most is the thought of one, or both, of my boys taking on his attitude as they get older. I'm afraid it's inevitable to an extent from just being around him, I just hope I can influence them some in the other direction as well. I pray that they will see the difference.

I have a lot to learn

Even though I've technically been an adult for over a decade, age is just a number. I feel like I've actually learned more about myself, and God, (and the world, unfortunately) the past few years then in all of my other years combined. I grew up thinking I knew right from wrong, and I did to an extent.... Church/Love/Faithfulness = Good... Murder/Lying/Cheating =bad..... easy peasy.

Yeah, right.

I'm learning there are so many other 'grey areas' of right and wrong that I'd never even thought about. I'm learning something new everyday. I learn what the good things are as well as the bad, and a lot of times I don't learn something is bad until I've already done it, or am caught in the middle of it. But I'm learning. So, if you see me do, or hear me say something amiss... don't worry. The Lord is working on me, and eventually I'll get it right.... or at least better, I hope.