Who comes first?

I was scrolling through Facebook a while back, and I came across a cartoon that stopped me dead in my tracks.  It was a woman and it said “Spouses come and go, but your children will always be your children.  Be careful who you put first.”  I was stunned. It was probably the closest I’ve ever come to wanting to argue with someone on social media.  But I didn’t.  

I have kids, I get it.  They are important.  They also require a lot of time and take attention away from other things.  However, nothing is more important than our spouses. - Except for the Lord Jesus Christ, of course.- Marriage was set up by God, and the church is the spouse of God just like we are the spouse to our husband.  We shouldn’t put anything before the church, just like we shouldn’t put anything before our spouse.  The Bible says “forsaking ALL others...”. That means our kids too. Trust me, they’ll understand and appreciate it the older they get. Your spouse needs attention and affection in order to feel needed and wanted.  Perhaps the author of this cartoon had problems because their spouse was no longer being given the things they desired in a marriage . Once the kids came along they weren’t needed anymore.  What were they, a sperm donor?  

I say these things for one reason:  I. Lived. It.  I’ve made the mistakes.  I’ve paid the price, and I did my time.  I’d love to pull every new Mom aside and tell them my story.  I’d tell them the opposite of what the world is trying to say, so that maybe in ten years they’ll still be married to their kids’ dad.  I know, no one thinks it will happen to them.  I thought that too.  But here’s the problem, if a husband is not getting what he needs from his wife at home, all the devil needs is for him to have one second where he lets himself enjoy the attention from another woman and he’s got him.  It’s happening all around us, and even the strongest marriages are failing.  The devil can find the weak areas in a marriage.  Don’t think he can’t.  

One of the biggest problems is that no one wants to take responsibility for the things that go wrong in their lives.  It’s always that “good-for-nuthin cheatin’ jerk’s” fault.  That’s not the attitude we should have, which is another lesson I had to learn.  If we have too much pride to look at a situation and see what we might’ve done to cause it, then we’ll soon find ourselves in the same situation all over again.  

The other thing we need to think about is the image we’re portraying to our kids.  Children learn how to raise their own kids by how they were raised.  If they see Mommy ignoring, disrespecting, blowing off or griping at Daddy, they’ll grow up to do the same.  But if Mommy listens to, respects, encourages, and shows affection toward Daddy then the course of history has just been changed!  It’s no surprise divorce rates are doubling and tripling, people are only doing what they were taught to do.  We need to break this vicious cycle.  

This subject is one of many that I’m trying to get to the bottom of.  I’ve been working my way backwards through the chain of events that led to my divorce.  If the cheating happened because the spouse was feeling neglected or unwanted, then I have to think about when those feelings started.  If they started after the kids were born, then I think about how I treated him since they were born.  And so on.  I’ve thought about this to the point of exhaustion.  But it’s necessary.  Yes, he committed the sin, and we are now divorced because of it.  But what could I have done different to keep the sin from happening?  And what can I do different in the future to make sure it doesn’t happen again.  These are the hard questions I’m out to answer, and to hopefully help others by answering them.  That way the small cracks that might be happening in a marriage don’t become gaping holes until it falls apart.  

God bless

LLM

It wasn't all bad

When my husband asks me to blog about a certain topic I happily oblige.  Especially if it's something he feels he needs for himself as well as something he thinks others might benefit from.  

This post is not for the masses.  It's not advice for young folks about marriage.  It's not encouragement for those in difficult marriages.  It's strictly for those of us that have been through the fire, as I like to say.  Those of us that are divorced and have ex spouses.  

When a marriage finally ends after years of heartbreak and tears, it's very easy to think those were wasted years.  That we made a bad decision, or that we were married to terrible, awful people.  Or that we ourselves were the terrible ones.  It's easy to bash your ex for whatever it was they did.  It's like we have to claim insanity or try to justify our reasons for marrying them in the first place.  "I was young and stupid."  "I was getting desperate."  "I should've prayed more about it."   Or the worst one of all "I thought they would change after we got married." I'm guilty of saying the last two.  

No matter the lame excuses we come up with, there is one fact that remains.  When we married them, we loved them.  And as much as we try to tell ourselves the opposite, they loved us too.  Otherwise they wouldn't have married us.  It's not like they planned to be unfaithful or whatever it was that happened.  Just like us, they had every intention of growing old together.  But sometimes things happen.  The devil goes for the weakest link.  Which is why marriage needs to be a threefold chord between you, your spouse and God.  Without that chord the devil will find a way in.  But that's not my subject today.  

Divorce is a huge blow to the ego.  It is a rejection, and leaves you feeling defeated.  The common thought about exes is that for them to have treated us the way they did, then they never really loved us at all.  But as much as I sometimes don't want to admit, it's not true.  As David has said in the past:  "It wasn't a bad marriage, it just ended badly."  

It wasn't a bad marriage.  It wasn't.  In my experience, I had the thought many times that no two people were more perfect for each other.  He was sweet to me and I took care of him.  I called him Boogiloo, and he called me Leigh.  We went on dates well into our marriage.  We grew a garden together and had friends over for game night.  He sent me flowers every Valentine's Day.  We had two amazing boys together, and he helped me through the labor.  There were good times.  I still agree that there were red flags I should've noticed, but it wasn't all bad.  

Yesterday David was cleaning out a desk and found poems from his ex-wife.  He told me how she used to pack his lunch for work and write poems to go in the sack.  I thought it was a sweet gesture, but I also admit I was relieved he felt no need to keep them any longer.  I have also found prayer journals where she wrote down prayers for him and their boys. It's still a little hard for him to admit, but it wasn't all bad.  Believe it or not, he and I actually had good times with our first spouse.  But unfortunately, if you are unequally yoked you will pull against each other until eventually the yoke breaks completely.  And when that happens, it's hard to remember a time when you moved easily side by side.  

My point of this post is that we all have a past. People that have been through divorce are somewhat expected to forget about it or not bring up that part of their lives.  We're supposed to forget those memories and that's not right.  I brought my boys home from the hospital riding in the backseat with them while he drove us to our home.  He was there when they took their first steps.  How can I cut him out of all those memories?  I suppose there was a time when I was bitter and tried to cut him out of them, but time has healed those wounds.  I've moved on, and am more in love with David than I ever was with him.  It's easy now to look back and remember times with him and not feel bitter or nostalgic.  I do not love him, and haven't for many years.  But I respect him as a part of my past, and as my boys' father.  

So to my fellow divorcées, even if you are bitter now, it will pass.  The hurt will go away.  You will one day get to a place where the thought of your ex will make you feel indifferent.  It won't be good feelings, but it won't be bad either.  They will just be a part of your history.  A history that had good and bad times and you will be okay with it because the Lord has taken care of you and brought you to a new and better situation.  

Now, go pray and thank God for helping you through the turmoil, through the pain, and for getting you out of the mire and setting you on the rock.  Thank Him for the lessons you learned and pray for wisdom in the future.  And lastly, pray to get the point of indifference.  Pray to not hold grudges and to let go of your anger and forgive them.  It will not help your ex, but it will do wonders for you.  

God bless.  

LLM 

Friend or Foe?

It's time to let out a dirty little secret divorced people try to ignore or cover up.  There is a huge problem happening in the world today, and it's all our fault.  

It's the kids. Kids of divorced parents are what is wrong with the world. MY kids are part of the problem. So are David's. So are 99% of kids from divorced parents.  Whether divorced parents admit it or not, we've all done it..... to an extent.  We've tried to win their affections away from the other parent. It's true, we do it without thinking.  All we know is that we want the kids to want to be with us more than their other parent,  so we let them do things we normally wouldn't.  We buy them an extra something or other.  We don't correct them every time they do something wrong.  Basically we try to make them happy, or happier than the other parent does.  

Right after my boy's dad moved out of our house the spoiling began. Without knowing, I was giving into them for everything. I no longer ran my house, my boys did. They called the shots and got away with murder. Why? Because I felt bad for what they were going through.  

I'm very thankful I took notice to what was happening and tried to change my behavior. For some parents though, it never ends. It becomes the new normal, and thus rotten, no good, spoiled little brat children are born.  

Whether the motive is to be the 'cool' parent, or the 'fun' parent, or if it's like me, and simply trying to make up for putting them through this pain. It's something we've all done. We relinquish our duties, and in return the kids get spoiled.  

For me, I was hit with a big dose of reality when I finally opened my ears and heard the horrible, disrespectful words that were coming out of my child's mouth. I said "no more" and we moved into what I refer to as the spanking phase. I had a wooden spoon in every room of my house. I probably spanked each of them 4-5 times a day to start. (Not a fan of spanking?  Sorry, it's in the Bible.  Insert your own form of discipline here). Anyway, a new sheriff was in town and the rules were changing.  

I no longer cared if they liked me. I didn't care if they had more fun at daddy's house. Every time I heard the words "but daddy lets us...." I immediately responded with "I. Don't. Care." I was not put on this earth to be their friend and try to win their approval. God gave me these boys to turn into good, respectable men, and they were going to start by respecting me.  Trying to be your child's friend is the fastest way to ruin them.  How are kids going to learn to do what's right if they aren't being corrected? They aren't born kind and respectful, it has to be taught.  People see having babies as fun and cute, and adding little buddies to their family.  But it's not like that!  It's work, and if you don't put in the hard work everyone suffers, especially the child.  

Now, believe me, I'm far from the tyrant it sounds like. Even still to this day when the boys get back from a visit with their dad I tend to turn back into doormat-mom. Mostly because I'm the one that moved them ten hours away from him. I still carry some guilt about that. But after a few days of them being back and pushing me to my limit, I snap and have a big discipline fest and they straighten up.  

The problem is our country is currently seeing 50% of its parents get divorced. That means half of the kids in our nation are being spoiled rotten. They are being fought over, bought off, and let run the show. They are probably the reason every kid gets a trophy, and why teachers have to change grades for undeserving students. The problem with the other 50% of the kids in our country is that they see their divorced-parent friends getting their way and being bought their heart's desire, so they then go home and complain to their parents about the raw deal they're getting.  Or worse, married parents see how divorced parents treat their kids and actually take on some of those bad habits without realizing, probably to look cool or some stupid reason.  So that means a good 20-30% of kids from non-divorced parents end up being raised spoiled rotten as well!  

I know this is just my hypothesis, but I stand behind it. If people wonder why all these millennials started throwing fits and needing cry rooms, this is it. We're living in a world where kids are the rulers, and it's not going to get any better. 

Gloomy huh?  

Well, I can't end this post on a negative note. But is there a solution? I can't say.  I know that as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord the best we can, and that means we do our best to raise gentlemen.  We will discipline, we will spank, and we will try our darndest to teach them to respect us as well as others.  We will do our best to help them become kind, normal functioning adults.  All we can do is work on our small corner of the world.  And who knows, if one person reads this and it makes a change, then it was worth putting it out there.  

My advice (for what it's worth)... Get your kids used to hearing the word 'no'.  A lot.  It will prepare them for a cruel world.  

And then drag them to church for crying out loud.  I don't care if they complain, you take them anyway.  I'm tired of kids calling the shots.

Please, I'm begging you.  

God bless you all.  

LLM 

Get out of jail free

It's me again.  

I'm back to save the world from more propaganda.  This time I'm fighting against what I like to call the "get out of jail free" cards.  Not sure what I'm talking about?  Let me throw out a couple of examples:  

There is a billboard in San Antonio for a divorce lawyer, it simply says "when the fairytale is over."  

What?  Really? Whoever said marriage was a fairytale?  

On Facebook the other day, I read this:  

 

So, strong people leave their spouse, but weak people stay to work it out?  I'm pretty offended by that.  I stayed two years, trust me, that made me tough as nails.  

As you can probably tell, I'm still a little sensitive when it comes to divorce.  Mostly because I don't want people to go through what I went through.  So when I read advertisements and propaganda telling people it's okay to give up on your marriage it makes me crazy and sad at the same time.  It makes me hate the world we live in that much more.  

The worst part is this stuff works.  People read things like this everyday and little by little they'll talk themselves into giving up on their marriage.  Or worse,  people in healthy marriages will read it and convince themselves that Mr. or Mrs. So-and-so from work or wherever could make them happier because life with their spouse is getting mundane.  

Let me tell you this, marriage is not a fairytale.  It's not all romance and violin music.  It's clipping coupons to afford to put food on the table.  It's trying not to nag about something that's been needing done for weeks.... and finally nagging anyway and causing a fight.  It's seeing your girl with no makeup, and seeing your man in holey socks.. or worse.  It's fighting over how to discipline your children, and crying together when your child makes horrible life-altering decisions.  It's pinching pennies and arguing over how to spend those precious pennies.  It's compromising, not selfishness.  It's "I'm sorry, you are right."  Instead of "Why don't you just admit you are wrong?"  

I could go on and on.  

Marriage is so hard.  But it's worth it.  To know someone that intimately.  To know they have your back and will stand up for you at any cost.  To know that you will never be alone and that you have help in this life.  There's no feeling like it.  The Bible says it is not good for man to dwell alone, and to cleave to your spouse. Don't let small annoyances or disagreements come between you.  Forgive constantly, then forget it.  If you can't forget it, pray to.  Pray for a heart to love them more.  Pray for a heart to look over faults.  Pray for your marriage without ceasing.  

Don't read the things the world writes and feel like you have a "get out of jail free" card.  You'll soon find out how much it's actually costing you.  Divorce hurts more people than you realize.  It is so very painful for all that know you.  

LLM 
 

We are not enough

I have decided to take on the role of fighting memes. I don't think this makes me a 'Foo Fighter', but maybe more like a 'Fool Fighter.' These days anyone with a smart phone can make dumb sayings into a work of art... and if it looks like art, then people will get warm, fuzzy thoughts and assume that it MUST be true.


Well, I'm in here to say enough! I can't take it anymore! Memes, or inspirational quotes like 'you are enough' , 'you're stronger than you think you are,' 'you're going to get through this,' 'you're beautiful,' 'you're needed.' They're great, but they're not giving us the right information. All they're doing is telling us that we need to be self-reliant, that everything we need is within us and there's nothing we can't handle on our own. Then, when a hard time comes, we melt into a puddle of worthlessness on the floor because we tried to do it on our own and failed. It's not our fault, the world told us we could do it. Ugh!!! People, this life is HARD! And guess what? We CAN'T do it on our own. But the good news is, we don't have to!

I wish someone would make a beautiful picture that says:

You can't do this on your own, you need Jesus.

Oh wait, I have one of those handy dandy little meme generators and a picture of the Guadelupe River I took last Sunday, I'll just make one myself...

Bam!

 

Easy peasy lemon squeezy... see, any idiot - including me - can make a meme.

The point is, even Christians these days are falling for all the self-reliant mumbo jumbo, and then when they hit hard times they fall to pieces because they are being taught that "they are enough" when in reality they're not.

Listen to this:

-We are not beautiful, we are full of ugly sin

-We are not strong, we are weak and worthless

-We are not enough, we are lacking in so many ways

We need to be taken down a notch or two and humbled. However, there is an upside.

-We are important to the Lord

-We are special to the Lord

-We are loved by the Lord

-We are precious to the Lord

We are all these things with the Lord, and we are nothing without the Lord.

So my suggestion is this, we need to stop trying to build each other up with empty compliments that fade away in a short time, and remind each other that Jesus loves us, and that we need to rely on Him every minute of our lives. He is our friend always. Whether we are going through highs or lows, He needs to be called upon, praised and thanked in abundance.

Kind readers, I alone am not enough. I need Jesus.
And I'm sorry, you are not enough either. You need Jesus too. We all do. Now let's try to not be so self-reliant, and do what we're supposed to do - Rely on the Lord.

LLM

Do LESS of what makes you happy

Last night on mine and David's nightly walks we started talking about how sad it is that our churches are getting smaller and smaller.  We actually have this discussion quite often.  He'd heard of, yet another, former church member who had departed from our faith... and all faith for that matter.  It's sad how un-shocked we both seemed.  News like that used to bring about emotions of sadness or apallment, but lately it's not surprising to hear this kind of news.  

We talked about why this was more common now than it used to be. So I told him about a pet peeve I have, one that I believe is the major cause for what we're seeing today. 

Let me start off by telling you my most hated phrase of this generation: 

Do more of what makes you happy.  

It's awful and deceiving.  

The biggest problem in the world today is self-love.  This attitude sounds like a great idea and seemingly harmless, but in fact it's what's leading to the distruction of our homes and churches.  It tricks us into thinking that if you're not happy, all you have to do is change and do more of the things that make you happy and *poof* you're happy.  

If you're tired of taking care of your family, then sit on the couch there and read a book.  

If your wife has gained a few pounds, forget diets, just go out and find you a skinny, younger gal to take her place. 

If you're not happy with how your husband chews his food, kick him to the curb and find you someone new... with different things to annoy you.  

If you're tired of hearing the preacher tell you how much you sin, you don't need that!  Wouldn't you be happier just sleeping in on Sunday morning?  Or better yet, maybe go to the golf course! 

This phrase that comes across as the best advice you've ever heard is leading God's people in the wrong direction.  They think they are finding happiness, but there is no happiness to be found under those circumstances.  Only a big mess and more unhappiness.  

Nobody is happy, and they can't figure out why! 

So some of you are thinking: "Wait, what about going to the gym, or getting a peticure, or taking an afternoon break from the kids?  What about my sanity??"

Calm down people.  Don't take this to the extreme.  Taking care of ourselves is very important.  If we don't take care of ourselves, it will be really hard to take care of our family or job or church obligations. Even hobbies are good. I have them.  We all do.  It's okay.  I'm referring to people that put aside their obligations and duties in favor of things that are frivolous and self-serving.  

Thankfully, God gives us a remedy for the unhappiness that is plaguing today's people.  However, most people don't want to hear it.  

The number one thing we need to be doing in this life is serving God.  Go to church, read your bible and pray daily... or more.  

The number two thing  we need to be doing is serving each other.  That means putting others before ourselves.  Take care of our families, visit friends and church members, let someone cut in line, let the BMW merge in front of you...  I'm talking to myself here, so don't go thinking I'm an expert at this.  I'm just as depraved as the next guy.  Most of the time I know what I need to do to serve someone else, but my stupid nature comes out and makes me do something selfish.  *sigh* However, on the rare occasions when I do what I'm supposed to do, and serve God the way I should, I have found those moments of pure joy.  I've seen it.  I've felt it.  I screw it up a lot... and then I try my best to get back to it.  When you're there, it's the most magnificent feeling in the world.  True happiness.  

So my advice... 

Do LESS of what makes YOU happy, and MORE of what makes God happy and others happy, and in the end you will find happiness.  

J-esus first

O-thers second 

Y-ourself last

Seems to spell out joy to me.  

Think about it. 

LLM

Cookie Cutter

In the past I've learned that blogging is a journey of self discovery for me.  I'll get that twinge of inspiration to write about something, but I won't really know why until I'm in the thick of it.  Then when it hits me, I'm flooded with all these new thoughts and end up crying nonstop till I figure out what deep seeded emotion led to my twinge. 

 That's how this post started.  

I usually try very hard to not be a jealous person.  So when the feelings of jealousy hit I had to find out where it was coming from.  

Here's the thing... This Christmas it's been hard for me to see all the little cookie cutter families.  You know the kind, perfect mom, perfect dad, perfect well behaved impeccably dressed kids, blah, blah, blah.  Families out Christmas shopping, doing crafts or baking cookies.  All of the usual family Christmas type stuff.  

But I have to ask myself:  Why is it hard for me to see these families this year when it hasn't bothered me before?  

There was a time when I had that kind of life.  I was the mom in a cute little family of four, plus one dog.  I've had past Christmases where I did all those wonderful things like crafts with the boys, baking Santa cookies with them and putting out carrots for the reindeer.  From the outside looking in we were a Norman Rockwell painting.  But it wasn't perfect.  Not by far.  

So I ask myself:

Am I wanting my old life back?  Ha!... no. 

Am I missing that time?  Yes... in a way.  

What way?  I don't know! 

Let me see if I can work through what I'm thinking.  I do I miss the feeling of being in a cookie cutter family.  The mom, the dad, the kids.  The whole set up! But I don't miss my old life.  Maybe that's why my family failed... I was more interested in creating my own little cookie cutter family than I was in making sure I married the right man to have that family!

BINGO

I think I'm getting somewhere!  

David and I have had many talks about how we wish we'd have met each other first, and that our kids would be just ours, and not half of other people.  When each of us we're going through the Cookie Cutter phase, we were married to people that brought pain to our families.  So I guess now when I see those families, I wish that David and I could have it, you know, from the get go!  Like we could go back in time and relive that phase with what we know now.  We could do the Cookie Cutter phase all over again, and this time do it right! 

Sounds great, huh?  But I'm afraid that ship has sailed.  I will forever regret not being able to experience that phase of life with David.  

So, that answers part of my question..... but what about the other part?  Why is it bothering me more now? Why this year?  

Well, let's see, what else did I like about that time?  Doing things with the boys.  

Ok, can I still do things with the boys?  A little , but not really 

Why? They're getting older. 

There ya go!

My boys are growing up!  

At least my oldest is.   He's not interested in doing crafts with mom, or baking cookies anymore.  He rolls his eyes when we playfully talk about Santa.  He's grown out of so many things that we used to do, it's sad.  I miss him being little.  It also makes me realize it won't be long before my youngest will grow out of these things too.  

My eyes well up with tears when I see them growing and changing so fast.  I'm not ready! I really didn't think it would happen this fast.  I thought I had more time!  

*tears*

Ok, I'm better. 

I know I'm not really jealous of little cookie cutter families all smiling and happy.  They are all beautiful families that I pray never have to go through what we've been through.  But there are lessons to take away from my ramblings... 

One, we need to be teaching our children not to rush into marriage.  Pray for them to marry the right person, and teach them to do the same.  The family part will come in time, but if you don't get the spouse part right it's more likely to fall apart. 

And two, even though I'd heard it a hundred times, enjoy every minute your kids are little.  It goes by so fast and before you know it, it's over.  I know I'll be savoring every moment I have left with mine.  

LLM

Say yes

A dear friend took me aside a few months ago to share with me some words of wisdom.  You see, she too found herself in my situation.  She was divorced at an early age with two small children.  She also then married an older man.  Her grandmother, who had also married up - as I like to call it-  gave her this advice....  

Make every moment count.  Whether you are with him for two years or twenty, it doesn't matter.  Go with him to meetings every chance you can.  Do the extra little things like take walks and spend time just the two of you.  Go on dates.  Hold hands.  Go on trips.  These chances won't be there forever, you have to enjoy your marriage now.  

I try very hard to live by this.  So does David. We go to meetings, we squeeze in dates whenever we can.  We have our evening ritual that is quality time with each other.  Every time he's says "How do you feel about doing this....  or going here.... or visiting such and such place....".  I say yes.  And so does he when I get hair brained ideas.  We take road trips with and without  our kids.  We fly to this meeting or that meeting.  We go antiquing through the hill country of Texas.  It's wonderful! There are some circumstances that require me to have to stay at home, but I try to say yes as often as I can.

This week a different friend lost her husband in a tragedy.  It reminded me of this philosophy to always say yes to doing things with your spouse.  In this day and age we can't take growing old together for granted.  We aren't guaranteed tomorrow.  This goes for spouses, kids and everyone we love.  

It takes time.  It takes effort.  Sometimes it's even exhausting, but I've never regretted one moment I've spent with David or our boys.  

I guess you can say our household has a "Carpe Diem" attitude.  We seize every chance to make wonderful memories, and we thank God for the opportunity to do so.  

Don't take your days together for granted.  Seize them.  

LLM

The worst part of the whole deal

About five years ago I was walking into a restaurant just off a major highway in Arkansas. I saw two cars parked out near the road with people standing near them. It quickly occurred to me what I was witnessing.  It was a kid swap. These parents were divorced and lived far away from each other. This restaurant was their meeting location to get the kids from one parent to another.  I saw one parent hugging them goodbye, and the other accepting them with additional hugs.  

Of course, given my lack of marital problems at the time, My first thought was "How sad."  Which was probably followed by "That will never be me....  Blah, blah, blah....."  

Fast forward five years to yesterday at a restaurant parking lot in Dallas, TX, just off the highway.  Two parked cars out near the road where I sadly hugged my boys goodbye, and sent them with their dad to Arkansas for three weeks.  

I'm that person now, and I'm really going to miss them this time, and let me explain why I said 'this time.'

I love my boys with every ounce of my being.  They have been my world for over eleven years now.  I have put countless hours of blood, sweat and tears into them with everything we have been through these past five years. But here's the thing, when kids are going through something traumatic and life changing, it will usually make them do things like act out, throw fits, cop an attitude, and/or build up walls around themselves.  I've seen all of these in my boys.  Just when things would start to get better something else would happen and turn their world upside down all over again.  If it wasn't the divorce, it was moving houses, then it was my engagement to be followed by the biggest change of all, moving to Texas, away from their dad, to a house and family they barely knew.  You could say I've had almost five straight years of whining, griping, crying, talking back, and silent treatments.  It could easily be one of those "If I had a nickel for every (fill in the blank)....." 

Boy would I be rich!

After we first moved to Texas, the boys would go to Arkansas for a week or so, and I actually welcomed that time.  I was still sad to say goodbye and missed them, but I will admit, it was nice to have the break.  It was a time for me to kick back and know that there wasn't going to be any griping or back talking for a little while.

However, the past six months or so have been different.  My boys are finally starting to understand what it means to have a stable home life.  The whining has  diminished significantly, the attitudes are being kept at bay and the walls are coming down.  Friendships are being forged between them and David.  Big brother/little brother relationships are now normal and not forced.  And thankfully, the little boys are learning from David and the older boys that respecting Mom isn't an option.  They needed to be taught that by someone other than me. Now I can say that not only do I love my boys, but I like them too. I enjoy their company. They are both so funny and have great personalities, carrying on a conversation with them is a joy instead of a chore.  

So, yes, this time around is different, I'm really going to miss them.  I cried when I said goodbye to them in the parking lot, and I've cried a few times since.  It was hard to come back home without them.  I need them in my life, I'm not complete without them. But, that's the trade off.  For me to be able to live with them down here in south Texas, they have to have their allotted times in Arkansas.  It will be that way till they are grown. That's just how it's going to be, and that's the worst part of the whole deal.  

So, just a word to the wise, if you are ever the witness of a kid swap in a parking lot, don't have the thoughts that I had.  Just pray for them, and thank God for not being in that situation.  

Paradise

It's crazy how fast something new starts to feel like the way it's always been.  It's hard to imagine my life before David, and thankfully, it's hard for my boys to as well.   

It's been almost two years.  In some ways that sounds like an eternity, but really it went by in the blink of an eye.  

It seems like my whole life I've been living for either something in the future or something in the past.  Until now.  I'm so happy, I can barely comprehend it.  

Philippians 4:11-12 KJV

[11] Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. 

This is one of my favorite verses in the bible.  I hated living my life with the thought of "if I could just get to this point everything will be perfect."  Or "if I could just get back to such and such everything will be great."

No.  

No.  

Never again.  

Don't get me wrong, I still have goals and dreams, and boys to move out of this house.  But it doesn't matter.  My happiness is not based on those things.  When I go to bed at night, I dream about the next day.  I can't wait for it to get here.  I'm perfectly content with the imperfections of our imperfect little family.  

I like the phrase: 'Just another day in paradise'. And it is.  This life I live is paradise.  Bring on the troubles, bring on the tribulations.  They're there.  They're always there.  But it doesn't matter.  I have my own little corner of paradise in the middle of a huge city.  

Who'd have thought?  

All that's left is to pray each night to thank God for the life I've been given, and to ask for just one more day in paradise.  

Good thoughts

I was visiting with my sister in law over Christmas, and she told me something I completely love and want to share for other women to read.  

She and my brother in law just celebrated their 32nd anniversary, and talking about it she said:  "He and I have disagreed over the years.  We've had fights and knock down drag outs, but in the end, the Lord picked me to take care of him and I take that job very seriously."  

That is a point of view I love so much.  I think every woman should go into marriage with that attitude.  I worry that women feel they should be spoiled rotten in a marriage, and when they find out it's work they are disappointed.  

In fact this would work for husbands too.  Husbands and wives both should understand that the Lord picked them to take care of their mate.  If we live everyday with that thought in mind, our marriages would be better than they've ever been.  I really do believe that.  

LLM

The prognosis

My therapy is already over.  Six sessions went by fast.  It wasn't quite what I expected.  I guess I thought it would be somewhere I could go and talk about my problems, and in return I would be coddled and stroked and made to feel better.  It wasn't like that at all.  Instead I was told everything I was doing wrong in my life to cause the problems I was having.  That wasn't fun to hear at all!  

I do think that talking to someone about my problems was a good thing.  I learned how I should be dealing with the issues in my life.  I still believe that praying about them is the number one thing to do, but I also believe the Lord sends us people to help us and advise us.  I know this because I've been that person before.  I look back on conversations I've had with people and I know the Lord gave me the words to tell them.  I know I didn't come up with it on my own, I'm not that smart.  My life may have given me the experience to talk to them, but I couldn't have come up with that stuff on my own.  The Lord gives us words, and sends us temporary angels when we need them.  I can't count how many temporary angels have been sent to me in my life.  In fact, I doubt I even know about most of them. 

My therapist was a 53 year old woman, I'll call her C.C., that turned out to be a good match for me.  I believe the Lord sent me to C.C. for the advice I needed.  Someone that would listen to me like a friend, but would also tell me the hard things I needed to hear that no one else would tell me.  

It turns out my trust issues were the least of my problems.  I learned that I'm what is referred to as a Highly Sensitive Person or HSP.  Sounds fake, right?  But it's true.  There's a website and everything.  The characteristics of HSP are varied, and I qualified for all but maybe one.  It explains why I'm always hyper-aware of everything around me.  I notice when something is in the wrong place, or when things need put away, or if someone does something out of the ordinary or out of character.  Crumbs on the floor drive me crazy, as well as dirty socks or dishes or yucky smells.  At any given moment on the road I can tell you where every car is around me, and can anticipate their next move most of the time.  I just thought that was all part of being a mom!  Another characteristic is feeding off of the emotions of others.  I can be having the best day, but if David comes home in a bad mood it will rub off on me and make me mad or sad or anxious.   Other characteristics are like an intolerance for loud noises, which explains my hatred of vacuuming, hair drying and so on. The website is very interesting and helpful, and is worth looking at, HSP.com.  It's not a disease or disorder, it's just an inherited personality trait.  That's all.  

It turns out I also battle anxiety. That's not good for someone who has trust issues.  But it's even worse for someone living in a house with five other people who all have  their own set of issues. Combining HSP with anxiety basically means I emotionally take on all the problems and moods of everyone in my house, and then proceed to worry and fret about all of them at the exact same time till my head is about to explode.  

Good times, right?  

*Sigh*

I feel so emotionally drained.  The last time I was this mentally worn out was during the divorce.  

As for my trust issues, those were all addressed in the first session.  C.C. Helped me to see that worrying about my marriage is pointless.  I know the real signs of a cheating husband, I know what to look for, and if all David is doing is answering a text on his phone I need to get over it.  I can either make my marriage miserable by anticipating the worst, or I can relax and enjoy my marriage with the faith that it will be wonderful.  I don't need to worry until I have a legitimate reason to worry. That answer almost seemed too simple for me, but the more I think about it the more I see her point.  

So here I am, the sixth member of this house, and I'm now bringing in my own set of issues to add to everyone else's.  I'm trying not to focus on that because it makes me freak out.  C.C has helped me see ways I can minimize my anxiety, and also how to deal with problems when they arise.  It's still going to take me a while, but I feel better than I did two months ago.  

The prognosis is good.  I learned what I needed to learn, and was told the things I needed to hear.  Some of it wasn't easy to hear, but that's her job.  I see her as my friend that will tell me the truth no matter what.  It's a job I could never do.    Things have gotten better for me, but I'm still going to keep her number around just in case.  

Taking the next step

From reading this blog, I'm sure you can tell I'm a fairly open person.   

I'm a firm believer that the problems we go through in this life can help others going through the same things if we just share our experiences.  I'm the first to admit when I find a breakthrough that helps but I'll also be the first to admit when I need help.  

This past March was the five-year mark of when my life changed. I've had a lot of support during that time, but I don't think I'm where I should be yet as far as healing goes. The changes that my family, as well as David's family, went through have impacted all of us in so many different ways. Some have come through with flying colors, while others have come through with battle scars and lasting issues.  

This is commonly referred to as PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

Next week one of our kids is going to start therapy and I have decided to join them and seek some help myself. It's not good to know it's been five years and I'm still having the same trust issues I had after the divorce.  I'm finally in a wonderful, loving and committed marriage and there should be no reason for me to worry. Yet something will happen and the ghosts come back. 

I can't stop them…but I want to.  I want to be able to live a normal life without all the fears that still possess me.  

If you had told me five years ago that I'd be seeing a therapist, I would have thought you were crazy.  I've always been fairly grounded and tuned to my feelings...and I still believe that most mental problems can be solved with prayer and counseling from a minister or the brothers and sisters in the church. Yet, I am starting to think PTSD is real and something I suffer from.  So where I used to be very anti-therapy, I'm learning I'm not always right, and that talking to a counselor that has Christian values can be helpful. 

I also used to be very anti-divorce...

...Hello, Irony, it's good to see you again old friend.  Come sit down and talk.  

So here I am, swallowing my pride once more, but I'm looking forward to going to my first session.  I plan to share my progress here.  I might as well as you've been with me through my healing process thus far, I guess I'd better see this through. 

And who knows, maybe my experiences will help someone else going through the same thing.  That's what I keep telling myself at least.  How I see it, if I help just one person, then it's worth putting my story out there.  

So, please join me in this new journey, and if you find a blessing in any of it then give the glory to God.  

LLM 

Pressing on

I can't count how many times in the past few months I've wanted to give up.  Just wave my white flag and surrender.  

It seems the older I get the harder life gets.  Maybe I never took notice to all the bad stuff around me before, I don't know.  I tend to live in my own little bubble most of the time, shutting out the real world.  But things are getting too bad to ignore.  In the world.  In our homes.  In our churches.  Even our own children are having problems that they shouldn't be having at these ages.  

I want to help people, but what if they don't want help.  You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.  

So what are we to do?  

The only thing I can think of is to keep praying, and no matter what, keep pressing on. 

Keep being the light in the world.

Keep praying.

Keep encouraging.  

Keep supporting.  

Keep rebuking when needed - that's the hardest one.  

It would be so easy to bury my head in the sand and ignore the mistakes that my loved ones make.  I get tired of rebuking and disciplining and trying to teach the same lessons day in and day out to these kids. That is where I am ready to throw in the towel, and say "Fine, ruin your life if you want."

Press on.  

Must. Press. On.  

"And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not."  Galatians 6:9

Nope, no fainting allowed.  Not in this house.  The white flags don't exist. There are no towels to be throw in.  We don't give up, because the Lord hasn't given up on us.  

We have to continue to take this life one day at a time, and give each day the best we can.  

We will fail.  

I fail. 

But that's life.  We fail and we move forward.  

We keep pressing on.  

LLM

What I'm learning the second time around.... Pray together

When I was engaged to my first husband, I received a cute little notebook full of marital advice written by my female friends and family.  They had all put their two cents into it and it was a wonderful keep sake at the time.  The younger women wrote about always loving each other or keeping communication lines open, and things like that.  And all the older, and much wiser, women wrote about making sure God was the center of our marriage.  

Yes, I should've listen to the older, wiser women, but I brushed my doubts under the proverbial rug.  

But it's more than just both of you believing in God and attending church...

...Not only does God needs to be the glue that holds you both together, but you need to take it one step further and tell Him that He is the center of your marriage... Together.  

Praying together is a whole new level of intimacy between you and your husband.  It was something I had never done before, and really, it scared me to death.  I don't know why, I guess I'd just never shared that part of my life with anyone before, except my boys.  And even still, when we pray together, David is the one that says it.  I have a couple of times, but it's taking me a while to get comfortable with it. He wants me to more, but I like that he does.  He is the head of our marriage, and I like him to lead me spiritually.  

The first time David and I prayed together was actually over the phone.  We lived in different states before we were married, and had many obstacles to overcome before the wedding.  Blending families will do that.  Each time we came upon a problem we'd pray, and the Lord would guide us through the issue with ease.  

Once we were married, prayer became our nightly ritual, and If I remember right, we've only missed a couple of nights since then due to extenuating circumstances. I firmly believe that the success of our marriage is directly related to our nightly prayers, and putting the Lord first in our marriage.  

I hope we will always continue to pray together every night.  We both understand the importance of it, and neither of us ever try to opt out for any reason.  If David is sick, then I say the prayer, either way, it gets said.  Sometimes they might be short and sweet, especially after extremely long road trips, but even then, we still take a few moments to thank God for our life together.  

I hope this doesn't come across as some kind of pat on our back, I don't mean it that way at all.  David and I have both messed up in our past, and neither of us ever want to be back one of those situations.  We are just so thankful to have each other, and we know that it would never have been possible if it were up to us.  As David likes to say "humans are not creative, God is.  The only thing we can create is a mess."  We needed the Lord, and the Lord helped us and guided us.  We owe everything we have to God, and my prayer is that we will spend the rest of our lives serving Him daily for everything He's done for us. 

LLM

What I'm learning the second time around.... Dirty socks don't matter

I'll be honest, it drives me crazy to hear wives gripe about their husband's bad habits.  Or vice versa.  Seriously, you married them, for better or for worse, so little annoyances are something you signed up for.  

Get over it.  

Remember, the devil can use small annoyances to form a teeny tiny wedge between you and your spouse.  He can also take that minuscule wedge and turn it into a boulder.  

My ex husband, toward the end of our marriage, decided the little annoying things I did were too much for him to take.  He used them as an excuse to justify the affair he was having. Yes, this may be an extreme case, but it's enough to make me perk up and take notice.  Don't get me started on how afraid I was to leave anything of mine anywhere in this house.  I was so scared of getting on David's nerves I couldn't see straight.  

But I also learned that one of the most annoying things in the world is paranoia. 

So I was failing anyway.   

Thankfully David loves me despite my annoyances.

These days David are pretty comfortable with one another.  He knows my quirks and I know his, and it's ok.  Every night he turns on my fan because I can't seem to remember to do it before getting under the covers, and every morning I put his dirty socks in the hamper.  It's a beautiful life we got going on here, and we appreciate getting to know each other's quirks.  We've seen the other side, and We'd much rather have a quirky spouse than no spouse at all. 

Just food for thought.  

LLM 

What I'm learning the second time around..... Being equally yoked

When I was engaged the first time I was not very knowledgeable when it came to God.  I had grown up in the church, and mostly understood the importance of it in my life.  My fiancé and I had the pre-marriage counseling by my father, but I still don't think it was setting in how big of a role God and the church needed to play in our lives as a married couple.  

Maybe it wasn't impressed upon me enough, or maybe I just had my head buried in the sand, who knows.  Either way, I messed up.  

My fiancé would go to church with me sometimes, we would have talks about God, and sometimes he would tell me that he didn't really believe in God, but he had no problem with me going to church.  

To me, this didn't sound like THAT bad of a deal, so I chose to ignore my worries about what that would mean for our future.  Boy, was I stupid.  Since then, I have studied what it means to be unequally yoked.  Let me see if I can explain it..... 

Back when animals were used to pull various loads of things, they would have something called a 'yoke' that went around the animals' necks.  If they paired up an ox and a donkey the two animals would pull at different rates, and they would struggle to do the job.  They couldn't work as a team, and in the end they would ultimately be pulling against each other.  These animals are unequally yoked.  However, if you pair up two oxen to pull the load, they would work together at the same rate in and same direction and be successful because they are equally yoked. 

Same goes for marriages.  If a husband and wife don't start off with the same morals and beliefs, they will move and change at different rates.  They will struggle to work together as a team, and ultimately, they will end up pulling against each other.  

That is what happened with me.  I went into the marriage knowing we believed differently, and hoping that he would eventually come around to my way of thinking.  Have I mentioned how stupid I was?  I could look back and wish I had been better advised, but the truth is, I was advised.  I just let go in one ear and out the other.  I didn't want to hear that my fiancé might not be the one for me.  

I can't look back and wish things differently.  I have two amazing boys, and I wouldn't change that for anything.  Besides, any other road wouldn't have led me to the love of my life.  I have no regrets.  

So, I guess what I learned this time around is to make sure you are equally yoked with your spouse.  I am now, and it has made all the difference.  

LLM

What I'm learning the second time around..... Putting your spouse before your children

I started this series of writings as a way of spreading some Godly advice about marriage that I somehow missed the first time around.  That being said, I don't feel these things would've changed the outcome of my first marriage.  Being in an unequally yoked marriage to an atheist will have problems beyond the little things that I'm trying to fix.  What I'm try to do is prevent the cracks from forming in strong marriages so the devil can't get in.  

Whether we like it or not, the devil is loose.  He is going to look for any way he can to come between us and our spouse, or us and our church, or even our ministers and the church, you name it.  David and I are convinced he's after minister's wives.  It happened to him, and it's happening more and more everyday.  We have to be proactive in keeping our marriages strong.  

One of the things I look back on with regret is putting my children before my marriage.  

There are boocoos of opinions and advice swarming around out there in the world.  One very popular idea is that when kids come into a marriage they should automatically become the center of your life and everything else should revolve around them.

This idea is wrong, wrong, and might I say WRONG.  

Yes, children are wonderful gifts from God, and they require an enormous amount of care and attention.  But, your spouse still needs to be your priority.  

It's hard, I know.  I've been where you all are in one way or another.  I've had babies, I've had toddlers..... and now I have kids and step kids (7 boys, to be exact), there is nothing you can tell me that I haven't already been though.  Unless it has to do with girls.... I know nothing about raising girls.

When my boys were babies and toddlers I tried to be the kind of mom you read about on the internet.  Constantly playing with them, teaching them, holding them, you name it.  They were my priority and my husband took a back seat.  I don't believe I took it to the extreme that some moms have, but I made a mistake, and I am learning now what I should've done.  

Now I have more kids in my house, and they are all equally loved and attended to.    But we are teaching them that the most important relationship in our home is the one between David and myself.  All of these boys are from broken homes.  We have to teach them that divorce is not the 'norm'. We have to teach them what to do to make their own marriages strong.  If we don't teach them, the world will.  

Not good.  

Another point to ponder is how you represent your relationship in front of your kids.  I'm not talking about affection-which I do believe kids should see- I'm talking about a united front.  One of the first things kids learn to do is play their parents against each other.  If one says no, ask the other.  Kids need to see two parent that are in the same corner, not opposing corners.  This will help the marriage relationship as well as the parent - child relationship.  You should never side with your child.  If the verdict needs overturned, leave the room till you and your spouse can return on the same page.  Kids pick up on stuff like that, and will use it to their benefit.  

When it comes down to it.  Your spouse is number one.  Numero uno.  Feed and nurture that relationship above all others...and don't forget to pray together.  I should write an entire post just on that alone.  I love all of you out there, and I would hate to see any of you go through what I did.  

LLM

What I'm learning the second time around... Take care of yourself

I've been feeling a nagging in my heart to write a series of posts about the things I'm learning about marriage the second time around.  

There are so many lies out there telling you how marriage is supposed to be, and it baffles me how many people believe it!  I know I did in my first marriage.  I let worldly advice upstage any Godly advice I was given.  

Why, you ask?  

Because I was not the sharpest tool in the shed.  

I did things wrong in my first marriage that might have changed the outcome if I'd have done better.  Not that I would ever want that life back, but what I can do, is use what I've learned to help other wives not make the same mistakes I did.  

One of my main mistakes was not keeping up my appearance.  

I know this can be a touchy subject, but I've got to go there.  

One of the biggest myths in the world is that once you get married you are then allowed to let yourself go.  I've been there, I thought 'I've got this man now, it doesn't matter what I look like, he's not going anywhere.  We're married forever right??' 

WRONG.  

No one is safe.  

I've witnessed it happen to the most secure couples.  Even couples in the church.  The devil's not prejudice, he'll go after anyone.  He knows our weaknesses.  

I had hit a point where I put myself last. I'd had two kids, put on a good 20 pounds or so, resorted to t-shirts, sweatpants, and pony tails, and basically decided I had too much on my plate to worry about my upkeep.  

I know now that I was wrong.  

Men want to be proud of their wife.  They also want to enjoy looking at their wife.   They chose you.  They married you.  It's not too much to ask for you to take care of yourself, and put a little effort into your appearance everyday.  

This is something I have changed about myself the second time around.  The gym is now a part of my weekly, or daily, schedule.  Cute clothes and perfumes are as well.  I want David to be proud he's married to me.  I also want him to enjoy looking at me and sharing my company in the evenings after work.  

It sounds very 1950's....  You know, put a bow in your hair, check your makeup, and put on a nice dress for when your husband gets home from work.  But it's true!  These women knew what they were doing!  The feminist movement that came about later on changed the way women thought, and I'm here to say it changed it for the worse.  

I've lived it myself, and I've seen what it's done to other couples.  Don't let this happen in your marriage.  Take the extra time to keep up your appearance, and your husband will appreciate it... 

You'll feel better about yourself as well, and when you feel better, you can be a better wife.

LLM

Men and women can't be friends

In my opinion, the biggest lie the devil has successfully deceived the world with is that men and women can and should be friends. 

Yes!  I can hear the disagreements already...but hear me out.

The life experience I've received from my past, and from David and I helping others that have found themselves in our situations, is helping me to learn more and more about this everyday. Not to mention the two twenty-somethings that live in our house who are trying to figure out life and love and the difference between right and wrong.  

From all this data that I'm soaking up from every direction, I have come to firmly believe that my stand on this is right.  The world is now fully convinced that men and women can be friends.  The devil has convinced us that it's a good thing, and it's spilling over into the Christian world.  

Stills disagreeing?  I fully expect it.  That's how deep the lie goes.  The concept is so accepted that to dispute it is absurd.  

But stay with me....

The Lord made men and women very different.  We don't think the same way, and He made us this way for a reason.  Men and women compliment each other.  They each posess what the other needs to feel complete in a marital relationship.   Women are meant to be nurturers, and men are meant to be providers.  Women are more emotional, where men are more stoic.  So if all we need is advice or a friendly talk, then we should understand that we need go to those we are like for those things.  It says in the bible that the older women should teach the younger women, and the older men should teach the younger.  This is our support and friendship system.  The Lord Himself set it up and who are we to argue? 

But there are many who do.  Many who try to be friends, and many who get burned in the process.  When men and women try to be friends, there will almost always be one that wants to pursue more.  Even if it's not in the initial plan.  The more the friendship progresses the more likely it will happen.  

During our teenage years it is more accepted.  When we are looking for a future husband or wife it's ok to have the friendships with opposite sex.  Male and female groups of friends are usually how significant others are met. However the older you get the more these kinds of friendships can effect your life negatively.   If you are married or engaged, a friendship with someone of the opposite sex can be detrimental to the relationship.  

Let me first clarify what I am defining as a friendship.  Friendships require one on one private conversations, either in person or by phone or text.  I'm not saying we can't be nice to the opposite sex, on the contrary, I'm nice to the brethren in our church, or to the men I would come in contact with in my workplace.  But that doesn't mean we are friends.  We don't text or talk on the phone.  We don't go out for lunch or coffee.  In fact, even the conversations at church or work are not of a serious nature, and they are never private.  No personal subjects are ever discussed.  If there is something questionable that needs discussed I would recommend them to someone else or have someone be present with me.

That being said... If a man or woman desires to have a friend of the opposite sex after they are married, then there is something going on in their life that needs addressed.  

Think about it, you are committed to someone already.  You  married this person who is your best friend, and more.  They complete you in a way no other person can.  There should be no reason to ever desire the company of another person of the opposite sex.  

One of the most common instances is for a person to want to stay friends with a former significant other.  If you desire to stay friends with an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend after you have broken up, then you need to figure out why.  My guess is it means you're not over them.  If this is the case, future relationships need to be put off till those feelings can be resolved. Wanting to be friends out of niceness is not good either, it will only lead to false hopes from one of the parties involved. 

You break up and you move on.  

That's the way it goes.  

Be nice when you see them, but there is no need for more.  

Also, you should never, ever put yourself in a situation that would make your spouse uncomfortable, or question your motives.  Marriages are built on trust.  It is the cornerstone that everything else leans on.  If you do something, even if it is completely innocent, to shake that trust, it can take years to repair.  And telling them that 'it's just a friend' is never the answer.  If you have gotten to a point where you have to explain or defend your relationship with that person, then it's gone too far and needs to be ended.  

We should strive to make our spouse feel as safe as possible in the marriage.  I know how it feels to be unsafe, and it's the most terrifying feeling in the world.  Knowingly continuing a friendship with the opposite sex, and making your spouse feel unsafe is one of the most disrespectful things you can do in a marriage.  

The older I get, the more adamant I am that this subject needs discussed.  My poor twenty-something step-sons are probably sick of me trying to drill this into their heads.  But it is a subject I am very passionate about.  I am going to do my best to teach these guys, and whomever will listen, what it really means to respect their spouse, and to always avoid the appearance of evil if at all possible.  It will either kill me or I'll die trying. 

LLM